


What Baking Can Do

by sweetaswholepie



Category: Broadway RPF, Music RPF
Genre: Alternate Reality, Coming Out, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, F/F, Fluff, LGBTQ Themes, POV First Person, maybe i mean things get a little spicy at times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2018-09-25 03:48:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 24,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9801344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetaswholepie/pseuds/sweetaswholepie
Summary: Sometimes dreams lead you to live in New York City among thousands of others there for the same reason. After all, Manhattan is a magical island. Sara was taking the night off to see a show and while watching realized Jess was "the one"......for the main role in a musical, she was composing. The two were fast friends because like the saying goes "great minds think alike".Figuring out emotions isn't always easy when you realize that you may like someone more than just a friend.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Updated from original work on Wattpad. Definitely a work in progress. Early chapters start out a little short due to the nature of writing and publishing through a mobile app at first. Chapters are off by one compared to Wattpad due to Prologue being counted as a chapter here on AO3.
> 
> **Keep in mind we shouldn't assume just because two people of the same gender are close friends that they are involved romantically. For the purposes of this fanfic please treat them as characters based on the two artists who have a wonderful friendship. 
> 
> This is purely the author(s) imagination. We're fans of that friendship much more than shipping them romantically.

I think we all have a time in our life where we start to find out who we truly are. In my life, these instances seemed to appear a few at a time and the older I became, obviously, the longer the story was when I took a moment to look back on how I got to where I am today.

Life can be confusing and I don't believe there's one correct way to advise someone on how to live it. But I do think this era if you will, when one of my artistic works was being released into the world, was when I found myself realizing so much more than my love of musicals. 

My career before this era was given life through my music, most of which was based on previous relationships. 

Men. Of course. 

Now, am I aware that fans and some people think I'm lesbian?

Hell yeah. I mean, it's based off a lot of stereotypes.. which also, from what I've noticed, seem to be true for many queer ladies. But whatever people think what they think.

I've had boyfriends and that is all I've really known. That's all I let the public know about as well. 

Sure, I've talked about the little project a friend Jen and I wrote while on tour

*clears throat*

LESBIANS!

Haha, yeah. That happened. Good times. More on that one later. 

Until a recent interview where I mentioned, I had a crush on a girl leading to the unfortunate fact that she was not single. I thought about that a lot while I was on my way home from the interview. Some of the best self-to-self think sessions happen in the back of a cab, or an uber if you're feeling fancy. I wasn't even going to approach trying to label myself. 

This recent time was different was different from what I explained on the radio. Well maybe not, this girl wasn't single either. What was different is the depth of feelings I experienced. I began to think about love on a much larger scale. Then started asking myself "could I really end up with a girl?". I re-evaluated a number of my relationships with female friends who I always viewed as platonic. Ones who I can end up on the couch with after an exhausting day while we watch tv and share the details of our day - or ya know, make silly karaoke videos after having a few drinks. 

The way I felt about those friends was far different from the way she made me feel. Different from the way a guy has made me feel. Was this just because of her or was this something more? The butterflies in my stomach, choking on words, mind going blank because I was too busy admiring her beauty. 

Haha, yeah. I'm screwed.


	2. Winter Just Wasn't My Season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara recalls a memory with Jessie but pauses to add in a little background info.

"Sara are you sure you're alright!??"

I turned my head towards where I thought she was but my senses were a little fogged and I couldn't tell which direction I heard her voice call from. 

Oh.

Jessie had already gotten up. 

Crap, did she watch me try to reason with myself just now? Shit. Let's hope not.

"Sara?"

"Huh? Oh, uh. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. It was just a weird dream and I still feel like I'm half asleep"

Jessie smiled and I swear she rolled her eyes a little bit.

"I'm here if you decide you want to talk about it. Dreams can be crazy sometimes."

"Thanks." How would I even begin to describe this to her... what if I..? No. Sara, stop it.

"Hey, what time is it..?" I manage to mumble

"Two a.m."

"Oh.. okay uh-"

Jessie was gathering her belongings, "Yeah. Don't worry I'm headed out" 

"No! no, I was going to say I'll retire to my bed and you can have the couch to yourself. I don't want you traveling alone this late in the city and I really didn't intend to fall asleep" 

We both smiled. Her eyes lit up and I could tell she felt comforted by the fact that I offered.

"Sara, I'll just call an Uber"

"Stay! I insist. It's really no big deal, honest." 

At that point, I had gotten up and we were standing there, facing each other. Both more awake than moments before. I remember my heart beating fast to the point I could hear it in my head. I wanted her to stay, but was I stupid for "insisting". How creepy does that sound? Oh shit. 

Well, she's not moving to put her coat on? Why is she just looking at me..? Can she hear my heart too..? lol, no Sara that's silly? 

Oh, shit...

\- - -

Actually, before I continue telling you this story I should add a little background info.

I'm fairly new to the "greatest city in the world" but I've learned many things in my short time here. Most of which were about myself. See, life can be funny sometimes and we end up in situations we don't expect to be in. Possibly situations that include feelings you don't expect to be feeling. This was one of those situations.

Does she stay? Well, I'll get to that. For now, just know after that night, things seemed to be different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you want to tell a story but realize it's too soon.   
> Definitely a teaser chapter.


	3. Just Run // Chasing the Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An intro from Sara.

It's funny how you can lose your way from something that was once so important to you during childhood. I do believe there is a reason for everything, almost like a distance makes the heart grow fonder type of thing.

Theatre was never fully gone from my life, although it hasn't been quite this present in a long time. It's utterly crazy to me still. I could never say until now that I'm a composer. A Broadway composer.

What the fuck?

I live this life day in and day out and I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure I'm not dreaming. To top it off I've been matched with the perfect crew and cast. I could write another book on those lovelies. Ha, no. Sara no, you wrote a book remember, the pain, the agony? I can't be too pessimistic, I'm incredibly proud of the book and myself for digging deeper into memories and life events in order to document my experiences.

*thinks about memoir*

T'was an incredibly cathartic time. I did hope someone out there could relate to a tiny part of it, or me. I know people relate to my songs but this project was a lot more personal. The feedback I've received has been unexpected. Sure I mentioned how tedious the book tour was but I loved seeing people with my book in their hands. But it was also scary. Yeah, super scary.

And ew some people even had the audio book, I apologized to them for my awkward reading. Let's be honest how fucking awkward do you think it was to sit in a booth and read a book you wrote out loud?

I get it, though, I'm happy I made it. Really, really happy. I hope they listen to the bloopers because who doesn't need to hear some swearing and crazy ass noises from a human after a deeply personal biography?

Back to the point, TheaAhTErrr.

I'm incredibly grateful my artistic journey led me to something (and someone) I love so dearly. I wouldn't change a thing.

:)


	4. Even Doubt Can Be Delicious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara thinks back to a time when things started to feel a little different between her and Jessie.

So I was cleaning up my apartment the other day and flipped through my journal from this year. This made me laugh:

So I got snapchat. I bet my fans will be pleased. My label most likely the same, ha. I tried not to give in. I didn't feel that I needed another distraction from my work. Besides I'm in my late thirties, the app is populated by teenagers, I didn't think I'd ever have a good reason or need to use this other than to please my label. Guess what world, you win this time, I made an account. Kathy says hi. 

xo, S

The funny thing is shortly after I read that I took a hiatus from the app and only recently decided to post to it again. (I had new shoes that needed to be shared with more than just the New Yorkers on the street that day)

Anyway, back to all things sweet. And by sweet I mean pie. Why pie? Because, Waitress, duh.

Earlier this year we filmed promo for Waitress and yes, there was a lot of pie! It was so much fun to be with Jessie making pies. She's really picked up on the talent of the whole thing, I mean yeah, it's necessary for her role as Jenna ... it's just so inspiring.

Inspiring? Did I say that.. ? making pies..? oooh k, Sara.

Maybe things are getting a little out of hand.

Hand..

ahh, that reminds me... There's a part I filmed with Jessie where we're sitting in directors chairs talking about the musical.

Jessie mentions pie and I'm supposed to say "Pie?!? There's pie?" all excited and surprised and she responds to it.

Then we're supposed to turn around and look for the pie while someone walks over to hand us a plate with a slice and ~two~ forks.

As if this wasn't enough torture on my emotions.

But, anyway

When I said my line, I reached for her hand.. her. f*cking. hand. The ones she's made countless pies with... what was I doing?!

Anyway, I continued to say my other lines and we found ores levels looking directly into each other's eyes.

Oh yeah, and I was STILL holding her hand!

Her soft, talented hand.

Ugh. She probably thought nothing of it. In reality, we were acting. And friends touch each other... hold hands, so it's probably nothing.

I was just simply reaching to help guide her to find where this magical pie was...

...right?

That's what I thought anyway. Until I thought about how our subconscious takes over. It's possible I've looked into this too much, done one too many internet searches on ways to tell if someone likes you. Embarrassing, I know. But they led to other lists I didn't expect to relate to... interested in girls? Haha, please. I doubt that.


	5. You're a Pal and a Confidant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara takes us back and tells the full story behind 'Winter Just Wasn't My Season'.

I've spent endless hours thinking about my relationship with Jessie. She's become one of my good friends since this project. When you're rehearsing a musical, making changes and working through parts you quickly grow with the cast and crew as well. Often times after a long day in workshops a few of us would go out, relax, and try to talk about something other than pie. There was a night I remember that, although at the time was an anxiety-ridden time, is now one of my favorites.

\---

She pulled me to the couch and we left our damp winter coats at the door. Our boots left on newspaper to dry by the heat. There we sat, in our sweaters, leggings and cozy socks. Jessie took her hat off as we settled in, her hair still up as it would be for her to look like Jenna. I took my hair out of the leftover bun it appeared to be in and ran my fingers through it to sort out the strands.

"Hey, Jenna can I have Jessie back please?" As I pulled at her hair tie

"Thaaaaanks" I smiled. She softly laughed.

"Yes, goodbyeeee" I continued as she fixed her hair down.

"Oh hey Sara, it's Jessie leave a message at the beep... –beep-"

"Yo, Jessie where you at? I'm hungry and uh we had a cold walk home, you should teach me how to get food delivered luuvvv Sara"

By the ending Jessie was laughing, and duh I was too. I mean I had to stay in character and say the love weird because I'm me.

We ordered food. I still like going places and getting it myself but I figured I should try some new things and what's better than having a dear friend teach you something new? After stuffing our faces. Lol - just kidding, we are ladies. No, but really, we ate a lot and talked bout our days. Both considerably tired. I couldn't help but realize how nice it was to share time with her alone away from the theater.

Once the food was gone it was time for Golden Girls. We continued talking and started to clean up -(stacking the cartons and making it look less like animals were eating).

We moved to the couch. Each sunk in our own little divot upon the cushions. Jessie yawned. I saw it, causing me to yawn too. She chuckled as she looked at me with a smile.

"It's contagious, " I said, slightly embarrassed with a smile

"mhmm"

I started leaning into the corner of the couch. Stage left if you will. If you were the audience it'd be on your right. I started slouching more and more till I was basically leaning half laying there.

One episode of Golden Girls down.

My feet were resting on the coffee table. Jessie seemed to be fighting sleep. With tired eyes, she grabbed a pillow, placed it near my thighs and laid her head down. My heart raced but I tried to ignore it.

The next episode started.

I couldn't help but think of how it would be if she had been a few inches closer when we sat down an hour ago. This way when she went to lay down her head would be in my lap, sans pillow. I could rest my hand on her head. Her golden hair that much closer. I could even stroke it, not like a dog, ha, as much as I love them.

I was trying to change my thoughts but as the episode went on I continued to zone out. I'd be able to run my finger from her temples down the side of her face, cheeks, neck and around her jaw to her chin. Maybe a lil boop on the nose for my lil' unicorn. Ugh, but she's my friend, and these thoughts are appearing to be less platonic.

I tried not to look down at her too much. Part of me wanted her to fall asleep, part of me was worrying about how this night would end.


	6. I Feel Better With You

I suddenly wake with a jolt. Enough to have Jessie ask what's the matter. I didn't realize I had drifted off. How dare I sleep during Golden Girls!!! I assure Jessie it was just a weird dream - not a total lie. I shouldn't be this nervous.. why do I feel so anxious? Weird.

As I begin to think about the dream, trying to remember what exactly happened, I realize Jessie wasn't on the couch anymore. I look around trying to see if my phone is close so I could write this dream down. I tried to calm down and not set myself into a panic attack. I began to wonder if I needed to bring this up in therapy... ugh. But that would make it a problem right? It's not really a problem, is it? No. Do I really want to talk about it? Nope. I like men, right? Yeah? Okay, so that's over. The dream is just a dream. Nothing to worry about.

"Sara are you sure you're alright!??"

I turned my head towards her but I obviously didn't pay attention to where I heard her voice call from. She'd already gotten up and wasn't in my sight. Crap. Did she watch me try to reason with myself just now? Shit. Let's hope not.

"Sara?"

"Huh? Oh, uh. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. It was just a weird dream and I still feel like I'm half asleep"

Jessie smiled and I swear she rolled her eyes a little bit.

"I'm here if you decide you want to talk about it. Dreams can be crazy sometimes."

"Thanks, Jess"

How would I even begin to describe this to her... 

"Hey, what time is it..?" I ask

"Three a.m."

"Oh.. okay uh-"

"Yeah. Don't worry I'm headed out"

"No! no, I was going to say I'll retire to my bed and you can have the couch to yourself, I don't want you traveling alone this late in the city and I really didn't intend to fall asleep earlier" we both smiled.

"Sara, I'll just call an Uber"

"Jessie, stay! It's really no big deal, honest."

"Well, It wasn't my intentions to just come on over and stay, let me text the boyfriend to let him know"

Ah yes, the boyfriend. I tried not to roll my eyes. They really are a cute couple.

"Cool, sent the message. so looks like we've got a slumber party!"

I rolled my eyes... 90% sure she saw it happen.

"Yeaaah, we sure do! Except I already was the lame one to fall asleep first."

"Sara honey, we were both sleeping at one point"

"Oh, then I guess I don't feel so bad. We should probably get some sleep"

I started walking to my room and realized I should be a better host.

"Hey, you can come take some blankets and bigger pillows if you'd like?"

Jessie sleepily walked over. She's so cute when she's tired. Shit, here I go again.

"Oh. Yeah, that might be a good idea. Thank you"

Ha, what if I asked her to just crash in bed with me, it's well big enough for two, I think I just rolled my eyes at myself.

"I mean we could just share this bed... if the couch is too uncomfortable"

Fuck. I said it.


	7. It's Much Too Quiet In Here

Jessie turned to me. The look on her face had me wishing I wouldn't have said a word after offering to share pillows and blankets.

"Oh, " Jessie said with a long pause as she stared at the bed. "Are you sure?"

I couldn't tell what she was thinking but I was freaking out and hoping my sweat wasn't visible.

I tried to collect my thoughts.

"Yeah, I mean, it wouldn't hurt anything." I tried to say as if it was no big deal. Because it's not, right? Two friends sharing a bed is n o t h i n g.

I continued with "It's totally up to you" since she still hasn't answered

"Yeah, as much as I appreciate the offer, I'll stick to the couch, it's pretty comfy anyway. I don't want to be a burden in your bed"

Ugh, she's so sweet.

"That works for me if it works for you"

"Mhhmm, thank you for the pillows and blankets! Goodnight, Ms. Bareilles!"

Fuck did she have to... so cheery, and cute...?

"Goodnight Jen- shit, Jessie" My eyes grew wide and I tried to smile. Apparently, I was too preoccupied with what she said and how she said it to function.

"Wow," she said staring blankly at me

"You know I'm joking!" I replied playfully with a little side eye, of course

"I do. See you when we wake," she chuckled as she shook her head and turned around.

I shut the door to my room as she was fixing the couch. What the hell was wrong with me!?! That was so painfully awkward. I sat on the edge of my bed staring at the door. She's been over to my house countless times, this really was no big deal. I decided to stop staring at the door and moved into bed. I sat up amongst some pillows while I scrolled through social media. I had to try and think about something else.

But I couldn't.

I grabbed my phone to write out my dream. Fortunately, this wasn't one I would've forgotten.

We were at rehearsal. I looked over at Jessie and laughed. Our eyes met, and the laughter stopped. 

We stared at each other for a moment. I touched her hand and led her out into the hall.

"Jess..." I said, leaning up against the wall.

"I know," she replied, looking down.

We stepped closer and closer to each other. I took her head in my hands and kissed her cheek gently, then stopped and looked at her. She looked up at me and blushed. "I... Mhm."

We kissed again, this time on the lips.

My stomach twisted and turned as I wrote. As I'm sure it would if this were to happen.

Our lips met and fell away, met and fell away. When we had to breathe, Jessie pulled away first and bit her lip.

"I'm sorry, I, I-"

"No," I said. "Don't be sorry. It was as much me as it was you.

We looked into each other's eyes, and I realized I had butterflies. She was beautiful. Her plump lips that felt so good to kiss, her bright blue eyes, the scent of vanilla on her neck. The way she laughed, her voice, the way she moved.

I couldn't breathe. And neither could she.

Jessie pulled my head to hers and kissed me again. We kissed harder and longer this time. I felt nothing except some kind of good, warm feeling. Everything else went blank except for her. Nothing else mattered, except for her.

In the middle of a kiss, we burst out laughing, my hands on her chest. I ran my finger along her collarbone. She looked up at me and grinned.

"Jess..." I said.

She nodded.

Breathing heavily, without thinking, we grabbed hands and walked back into the theater.

Diane looked over at us when we entered. "Where'd you guys go?"

Jessie and I looked over at each other, then away. Shit. What was I supposed to say? Maybe she would say something in the next three seconds...

But she didn't.

"Um, we were just talking," I said. "We, uh, had some stuff to go over."

Diane raised her eyebrows. "Oh. Okay then."

She started to turn away, then turned back. "There's something on your lip, Sara."

I quickly wiped it off. "Is that better?"

"Yeah," she said.

Then, she looked down at my and Jessie's hands interlocked.

Her eyes widened.

"What in the world."

Diane walked away. Jessie and I looked over at each other, panicked. We parted ways.

I stared at the note for what felt like hours once I was done typing. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because this girl was in my apartment, she was next to me while I dreamt this. And to think she wanted me to talk about this with her, HA!

I locked the note and closed the app. I switched my phone to airplane mode, set my alarm, put on my bedtime playlist, and tried to clear my mind. I didn't want to think about how things would be in the morning.


	8. Not Like The Rest I've Seen

If I dreamt again that night I don't recall what it was about. The smell of coffee consumed my senses immediately as I woke up. The calming aroma was enough to keep me awake without dozing off to wait for my alarm. The relaxed state I was in quickly vanished as my mind started to think about Jessie being in my apartment. I hopped out of bed and I walked over to a mirror to see how presentable I was. I threw on a sweatshirt over the shirt I slept in, fixed my hair back into a bun, and headed quietly for the bathroom so I could freshen up without it being too obvious.

I opened my door to the faint sound of someone humming.

This girl was making coffee and humming.

This girl slept over, was making coffee, and is now adding the sweet gentle sound of her voice.

I take a deep breath and remind myself that we're friends. I stare into the mirror and tell myself that this is no big deal, it was just a dream. As I walked into the living room I see that she's already folded the blankets and neatly placed the pillows with them on one side.

"Oh! Hi! Good mornin! I hope you don't mind I made coffee? I wasn't sure if you ate anything for breakfast but I figured this would save you a little time before rehearsal today."

Judging by the way she said "good morning" I feel I may have startled her, yet she's so sweet.

"Order up!" she said with a mocking voice

I laughed and continued "ordered up is how the day will find me!"

But I couldn't continue because we both started laughing.

"There's no escaping the musical," I said before I sipped my coffee.

She watched with a smile while trying to read my reaction of how it tasted. Meanwhile, I was fixed on her beauty. Her smile is so genuine. It's also a wonder how anyone can look so cute after just waking up. We both got ready to leave, I let her borrow a shirt for the day so she wouldn't have to make another trip home before we headed to rehearsals. She gave me back the sweatpants I let her wear so she didn't have to sleep in jeans. Everything seemed normal between us on the outside. 

Before the run-through of the show started a bunch of us were pulled aside to be reminded that a photo shoot was coming up for a big name magazine. These things usually make me nervous but I was looking forward to spending more time with the women of our cast and crew. As we parted from our group Jessie pulled me aside to thank me for the sleepover. She walked away and the night kept replaying in my head, this morning, and even our commute here. Aside from my nervous self and overthinking, my time spent with her was calming.

"Hey, Sara? You ready?" Diane asked

"Yeah! Let's run through it."

As everyone took their place. I think we were all anxious to get into the theater for rehearsals, but this space was home to us for now. I regretted once again for having these types of thoughts the minute I saw Jessie take her place but it didn't stop them from occurring. We ran through the first few scenes and I fell into a hole of relating parts to my relationship with Jessie. (I ended up doing this a lot during rehearsals since that night.)

I've been working on this project for a while now so there were times when the songs formed other meanings for me. "What's Inside" was in front of me and consuming my mind. I glanced at my notes, lyrics and all but started to lose focus from the actors. I used to joke that the line "everyone wants to know what's inside" was how people ask about your day when all you want to do is be left alone. Next thing you know "Opening Up" is happening, lively choreography and all. Today has not been "like the rest I've seen" but a part of me liked the idea of waking up to Jess in my apartment. Hell, we quoted this song.

Diane tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention and I snapped back into reality. We talked per usual but I was distracted and knew I had to get what was on my mind out. I thought about talking to her about it after practice but in a way, it felt too soon.

Scenes went on as they should and aside from being in my feelings something wasn't right. "Everything Changes" was starting and it felt different. This wasn't from me thinking about Jessie, it was something in her deliverance. She's done this countless times but it seemed like she wasn't there. The more I thought about it the more I realized this has been happening the entire show, well for the parts I was paying attention to.

After the last scene, everyone gathered their things and started to head out. I grabbed Jessie's arm after quickly walking up behind her.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You're super quiet since we've been here and you've sounded halfway choked up all through rehearsal. You're not as spunky."

Jessie just shrugged and tried to walk away, but I pulled her back. I knew her better than that.

"What's up? We can go in the hall and talk if you want?"

She nodded. Leaning up against a wall, we stood for a moment in silence.

"Tell me," I said finally, looking over at her.

She sighed and fiddled with the apron she would normally wear over her waitress uniform.

"I don't know. I'm just tired and insecure and stressed out... - and I think I'm getting a cold."

She looked down, a little teary-eyed. I wanted to fix everything, even if it was just a simple bad day. Everyone had them, but everyone wasn't Jessie. I started to think about last night. Hoping the walk in the cold, cheap food, and the sleepover, in general, didn't mess with her immune system.

"I understand," I replied. "It'll be okay. And I'm here if you want to talk more. You know that, right?"

She nodded. I pulled her into a hug, kissing her forehead softly, hoping she couldn't feel how fast my heart was beating. "Love you, you've got this."

"Love you, too," she replied, her head on my shoulder. The contact gave me a warm feeling. Different from our previous hugs.

When we pulled away, I saw that a single tear had slipped down her cheek.

"Hun," I said, wiping it off with my thumb, "are you sure it's not something more?"

"Yeah. I'm just dramatic." She let out a soft little laugh.

I smiled. "It happens. Did you want to do something later? We can have a night in and relax if that'll help.

"Okay," she replied, grinning. "Sure."

As we parted ways, she reached for my hand.

"You alright?" I asked.

"Yeah."


	9. My Worst Distraction, My Rhythm & Blues

We didn't see each other that night after work. My heart felt heavy but at the same time, I figured it was probably best. Jessie seemed like she needed some alone time. I tried not to get too down because I knew I'd see her in a few days.

The photo shoot came and went. It made that bitter cold day more bearable and I managed to keep my feelings straight. We had meetings for the show here and there to get things set for read-throughs and another round of rehearsing later on. Broadway Con happened and was a good experience. I spent time with Nadia to work on a few things (I also signed a butt load of vinyls). I continued to avoid cold weather and spent much needed time with friends. All of which helped me bury my worries into the back of my mind.

One of my favorites during those weeks is when I went out to eat with Misty. I continued my instructed learning of Snapchat while we had drinks and listened to live music. I felt like a mess that night and was trying to determine if it was a good idea to open up about these feelings I was having. We ended up coloring on our menus and having a relaxing night. I didn't want to ruin the mood by talking about this particular "issue". Turns out I didn't have to. A text popped up on my phone from Jessie. Misty saw the notification and smiled. I opened the conversation, Jessie sent me a link from the Waitress Instagram included with a "nice job" and a smiley face. The musical's account had a video of me inviting people to the show, something we filmed during a promo shoot not too long ago.

"You alright over there?" Misty asked with a laugh.

I was a little thrown off, "Who, me?"

"Yeah, silly. You're blushing at your phone. What'd she send you!?"

"Oh, I - uh, it's nothing. Judging by her expression I wasn't convincing. "Just a "good job" text for this video thing they had me do."

"Huh, if you say so. But, you should know your face says otherwise. You're a little pink in the cheeks missy." she smirked, like that little emoji...  
"Misty it's not..." I stopped there and rolled my eyes. Still slightly smiling, I was trying not to panic. "Yeah, no. Really, she was just messing with me."

"Alright then, how's she been lately? How's the musical?"

I laughed under my breath, "the musical has been good. I think we're all looking forward to moving into the theater and seeing the set."

"And Jessie?"

I tried not to let my face react to her question, "She's been well."  
"Sara, do I need to get you another drink to get you to say what's on your mind?"

Damn, was I that obvious?

"No, no.. there's nothing on my mind. Alright she stayed the night recently. She slept on the couch and things have felt a little weird since then."

"Interesting."

"Yeah."

If I was lucky in that moment she wouldn't believe the night was unordinary.

The conversation didn't last much longer, nor did I want it to. Friday nights are not meant for worries. I replied to Jessie and thanked her for sending the link. I was too much in my head that I couldn't think of a witty comment to send in response. Jessie replied quickly to remind me of our trip to Miami, an event that had drifted from my mind. Misty left the table and I swiped through my phone to check out the Waitress Instagram. While the page loaded I tried to remember the sleeping arrangements at the hotel. Sometimes we're paired up in a room with two beds to help save money.

I scrolled through the account stopping on a picture I hadn't seen in awhile. I could feel my face getting warmer. I stared back at the post of Jessie and I during rehearsals when the show was in its pre-broadway run. I missed those days. It's when Jessie and I started becoming such good friends, along with the rest of the crew and cast that have continued the journey with us.

On her way back to the table Misty passed from behind me and must have glanced at the picture on my phone. Once she looked at my face I think she put the pieces together and realized what had been on my mind.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

Looking up from my phone I replied with hesitation, "I, -uh. no."  
"I know these things can be hard to talk about, but -"  
"These things?"

"Yeah, hun your face and eyes don't lie. I'm pretty sure this is not the alcohol talking either."  
I sighed. "I'm sorry I cut you off."

She lightly smiled and continued on with how what I'm feeling is valid and how I need to give it more time. Unfortunately for me, worrying was not the easiest thing to avoid.

Before leaving we made plans to hangout again to help make sure we didn't let too much time pass between us again. Misty knew I'd travel out of state for a few days and that rehearsals were beginning.   
We walked a block or so to get some air before getting a cab. We both loved to people watch and take in the bustle of the city, even at night. We played a game Jessie taught me. You spot two people talking and make up our own conversation based on what you see. This was probably more entertaining after we had a couple drinks. She hailed a cab. We set off for home watching the lights of the city through the window. I was the first stop so we said our "good-byes" as the car pulled over.   
"You better get me a ticket for opening night, Bareilles!" she said as she got back into the cab after our hug.   
We were both laughing, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, back of the balcony, got it! G'night, be safe!"


	10. But Then You Found Me

I continued to spend time away from my Waitress family in the next few days. Things with the show continued to develop and excitement was growing. The day they set the marquee up I knew I had to make my way to the theater that night to bask in its glory, a memory that was just the beginning of the mess I was making. As my friends and I turned the corner all the happy feelings that were building inside turned me into a little jumpy child. I have no regrets. I was even telling random strangers that this was my show! They probably thought I was some crazy lady on the streets but like I said, no regrets! It's all starting to feel more real.

\----

It's a new month and a new beginning for our little baby of a project. The cast and crew met at our rehearsal space for our first read-through. Everyone was looking forward to these weeks leading up to our move into the Brooks. There was a lot of work ahead of us, choreography to learn and chemistry to cook (bake) up.

After final plans for the week were set I walked out to the hall to check my phone. Jessie came around the corner and froze when she saw me. I tried to smile, but my stomach dropped.

God, she was beautiful. And god, I was screwed.

"Hey," I said, trying to keep my tone of voice in check. I took a few steps towards her, trying to act normal despite what had happened while I was "taking notes" with Diane.

"Hi," she replied, eyeing me with an expression I couldn't read. This worried me.

Jessie opened her mouth as if to say something, sucked in a breath, closed it, then opened her mouth again.

"What is this?" Out of her apron pocket, she pulled a half-sheet of paper.

"There's an entire conversation about..."

I immediately started screaming in my head. Shit. I looked down and stammered. Nothing left to do but tell the truth. "Um, I, uh, I just..."

Jessie tilted her head at me. Her voice didn't really hold anger... more like curiosity. "Is this true?" she asked. "You were seriously writing all this to Diane? I thought you were taking notes...?"

"Where did you get that?" I asked out of pure impulse and fear. I instantly regretted the question, but I still needed to know.

"I was cleaning up a few things and it was on the floor by the seats you guys were sitting in. It was totally unfolded."

Fuck.

I thought I'd picked it up.

I remembered the entire conversation Diane and I had. I couldn't focus on doing actual work. My feelings were too strong. You see, during early rehearsals Diane and I had a little system of writing notes to each other during read-throughs, similar to a live edit in Google Docs but on paper. This became a thing among a few of us that provided a way of communication when we didn't want to stop the actors and disrupt a scene, they needed this time to connect and learn each other's deliveries. We left our laptops for the more technical things. I thought back to the conversation, 

I have something I need to talk about, I'd written to Diane.

What is it?

Swear not to tell anyone? Ever.

I won't.

It's about JM.

What about her?

I like her

LOL, who doesn't

No. I like her.

Wait, what? As in...

Yes

Her eyes grew wide and she glanced at me before replying, Oh, gosh.

I nodded and wrote back, but I can't tell her.

Why not?!

She doesn't like me like that, she has the bf. I rolled my eyes as I handed the note back.

S, how do you know she doesn't?

ugh... h e l p?

-

Holyyyy shit. My stomach flip-flopped as I stared at the words, and not in a good way.

The heat rushing to my face made me snap out of my thoughts and I realized Jessie was staring at me waiting for a reply that I didn't really have.

I couldn't fucking breathe.

Suddenly, she turned to walk away. I spit out the first thing I could think of.

"I'm so sorry I just couldn't keep it in anymore, I struggled with wanting to tell you but it just happened and--"

"Stop," Jessie said, turning back and putting a hand up to silence me. She looked majorly confused. "Sara, breathe."

We stood there in silence. She continued,

"Okay, so... You have feelings for me?"

I nodded.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why would you tell someone else first?" she asked.

"Because you're my friend and I didn't want to ruin everything and I know it's just me but--"

"Sara. I've felt them, too."

I stopped abruptly. 

The world felt like it was spinning around me and I wasn't really thinking about what I was saying or feeling or anything.

"What?" I asked.

Jessie let out a sigh, head in her hands. I expected her to respond, but it took her a moment. I sure as hell wouldn't continue until she did. We were only a few feet apart. I could faintly smell her vanilla-cinnamon perfume and it calmed me.

"Yeah, um, I didn't want to tell you, either." Her tone was soft and hesitant. "But, yeah."

Oh, my gosh.

"Jess, we really need to talk about this."

"I know, I know. But not now."

We both walked away, no hugs, no words.

I walked home stunned. And as soon as I got in the door of my apartment, my phone buzzed with a text from Jessie.

No, I thought. But part of me wanted to open it, and that part of me was stronger.

"What do we do now?" it read.

"I don't know," I replied.

The conversation continued:

J: I'm sorry."

S: For what?

J: This. I shouldn't feel this way about you. But I do.

S: I should be the one apologizing, confessing that in a note was childish of me.

J: But, do you seriously... ?

S: Yes.

S: I never imagined you would feel the same way.

J: Yeah

S: Jessie... can I call you?

J: Please.

She answered on the first ring. We were both crying.

"I don't know what to do," I said.

"Neither do I."

"I don't want this to ruin everything."

"But Sara, I love you."

My heart felt like it stopped for a few seconds. We've said this before but as friends.

"What?" I asked, suddenly unable to breathe again.

"I'm sorry, it just..."

"No, don't be...I love you too. You know that."

"How did this even...?"

"I don't know."

I was so desperate, but I didn't know what for. Jessie sounded like she felt the same way.

There was silence between us that felt longer than the 30 seconds that it was.

"Sara, can I come over?"

"You? - uh, yeah. Yes, you can come over."

We texted every chance she got during her commute here. Feelings of hope were growing inside me crushing the anxiety that was trying to break through. This felt like the start of something new but the thought of the mess this would make lingered in the back of my mind. I wanted nothing more for us to spend the night similar to the time she slept over. Cuddled up on the couch and enjoying each others company. So relaxed that I felt comfortable enough to fall asleep next to her. Next thing I knew I received a text from Jessie saying she was on her way up. Moments later her arms were wrapped around me and we stood inside the doorway to my apartment embraced in a hug. She was still cold to the touch from being outside in the winter's air but that was quickly changing. As much as I didn't want to break that moment up I backed away, pulling her hands from my back and into my own. We caught each other's glance and I could read the worry in her eyes.

"So, we should probably talk about this? I feel horrible for writing the note. I think I was caught up in the moment and it sort of felt like passing notes in high school again."

Jessie smiled but her eyes looked like they were forming tears. "Sara, what's going on with us? I'm scared. I - I'm with Andy, and I love him. But I, I wanted to see you because the way things ended after rehearsal wasn't right and -"

"Jess, stop. I'm not sure we can make sense of things all in one day."

"But your note? I agreed with what you wrote. This doesn't just happen? I have-"

"Jessie, please. I know the facts, we both know what happened. It seems as though you're bringing more pain onto yourself right now. Let's give this some time to settle. Yeah?"

She held my hands tighter and pulled me in closer, burying her head into my shoulder. I backed away again and reached up to wipe her tears.

"Sara, I'm sorry. Ah your shoulder is wet now"

We both laughed.

"It's alright I've got another one."

There was silence again. Unsure of what to do with this moment, I walked into the kitchen to get a couple glasses of water. She followed me into the room and sat at the table.

"You know the Miami trip is soon...?" she said quietly

"Yeah, should be fun. Nice and warm."

"Mhm." Jessie paused but I could tell she had more on her mind. "Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it alright if I stay here tonight?"

Hell yes. "Yeah, of course, but are you sure? What about-"

"He wasn't home. I'll just let him know, it won't be an issue."

I figured she planned this out on her ride up here but I was slightly taken back by how thought out her plan had been.

We moved into the other room to watch tv since neither of us felt like sleeping. It felt good to have her there. Hours passed by and we gravitated closer to each other, both of our bodies wrapped in our own blankets. About an hour later Jessie was sleeping and I managed to shimmy my way out so I could head to my bed.

"Wait."

Well, shit. "Everythings alright, I'm just giving you more space. It's late, get some rest."

"No, I" Jessie was still half asleep and mumbling. "Is your bed big enough for two? I'd rather not be alone tonight. If that's alright?"

What the hell. I was surely awake after that question. Normally I thought nothing of having a friend share a bed. That afternoon had changed a few things.

"You can take the left side, but bring those blankets with you."


	11. Tides Comin In

Jessie's POV

\---

Where was he? He said he'd be here almost an hour ago.

Andy and I had agreed to meet at a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. Because of being long-distance, him in Chicago doing a show and me in New York, this would be the first time we'd seen each other in a few months. I missed him so much it hurt.

But where was he?

I waited for ten more minutes, then walked outside and called him. It was chilly, and I was in a tight sleeveless dress and heels. Surely he'd be here soon. He wasn't usually like this.

"Hey, where are you??" I texted.

"Is everything okay?"

Five minutes later, he called me.

"Hey!" The sound of his voice made me giddy.

"Jessie... we need to talk."

He didn't sound giddy.

"What is it?" I asked, not thinking much of it.

He paused and sighed. "Look, Jess, I don't know how to say this."

"Just say it, it's okay."

"I think we should break up."

"What?" I didn't feel like I really heard him. Did I?

"This is just. Listen. I love you. So much. But this long-distance thing isn't working out."

"What do you mean..." I replied, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. I walked around to the side of the building where fewer people noticed me and trying to comprehend he was saying this over the phone. Andy was silent. I sensed he was waiting for me to say something.

"What do you mean," I said. It wasn't exactly a question.

"I can't do this anymore. It's too hard not seeing you and wondering about what's going on and everything. It's not the same," he said.

"I wonder about you, though, too," I replied.

"I know. And that's why I have to tell you this."

Part of me didn't want to know, but I knew. "Is there someone else?" I half-whispered.

He paused but managed to stutter out a "Yes." His voice sounded pained.

I closed my eyes as it hit me.

He continued, "A girl in the cast. I didn't... I just got with her and I thought I should tell you because I didn't want to hide it from you."

He sounded genuinely upset. He didn't want to hide it from me. He was so goddamn good? But was he..? I felt like I could puke as I forced my next sentence out. "Is she the only reason?"

"No. It really is the long-distance thing. And I want you to believe me when I say that. I would never give you a reason not to trust me so that's why I wanted to tell you..."

"I know. It's been hard for me, too."

"Jess... I still love you."

"No, you don't. You love her. Not me. You might love me but you don't love me." In the moment I couldn't find a better way to describe it.

He was silent.

"Thank you for telling me," I said eventually.

"I'm sorry," Andy said.

His choked voice made me tear up.

"Are you okay?" he asked. "With..."

"No, I'm not okay," I replied. There was no use in lying. "I, I-."

"Jess... don't cry."

"I can't believe I waited here for you for an hour and you just call to tell me."

"I didn't want to hurt you."

"Well, you did! I'm guessing there have been earlier times to tell me this news!" I wiped my cheek and tried to get myself together. But it was pointless.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I really am."

"I need to go," I replied. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. There was no point in fighting over the phone.

As he spoke, I could tell he was crying, too. "I don't want you to hate me, you're an amazing girl and I have so much respect for you and..."

"I know and... and I love you."

I wanted so badly to scream at him don't do this, but I knew deep down that it was his decision. Maybe it really was time.

"Jessie."

"What!?"

"I want you to know how beautiful you are."

Is he really... Everything seemed to be spinning around me. "You too."

"So... I think I should go now."

"I think you should," I whispered.

"Bye, Jess."

I didn't reply, just hung up the phone and rushed into the bathroom in the restaurant and burst into tears.

What. The. Fuck. Was this even real? It surely didn't feel like it. We'd spent the past four years together. We talked about getting married, having kids, spending our lives together. And now it was all over in a ten-minute phone call. I felt like my head was going to explode.

I realized I couldn't take up the stall I was in forever, so eventually I forced myself to pull it together long enough to get back outside. A woman glanced at me as I rushed out, obviously curious, but I didn't care. I didn't have anyone to look good for now.

Freezing rain hit me when I stepped outside, instantly soaking through my coat. What the hell now? I had walked here. Now I was cold and wet and exhausted, and I didn't want to walk home when moving felt like it required ten times more energy than usual. Four months without seeing him had felt like an eternity, and the knowledge that now I probably would be spending an eternity without him tempted me to just go back inside and curl up in that bathroom stall and never come out. It was at least warmer in there.

I pulled out my phone and called the first person I could think of.

"Sara?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing?"

"In an Uber on my way home from Midtown."

Thank God.

"Are you okay?" Sara asked. "Are you crying? Jessie, what's wrong?"

"Andy, he.. he, stood me up and... he called and broke up with me..." I had to force my words out because of the lump in my throat.

"He what?!" Sara exclaimed. "Dude, where are you?"

"That Italian restaurant, Del Posto or whatever."

"Oh, I know where that is. I'll be there in a few, okay?"

Fifteen minutes later, I climbed into the passenger's seat next to her. Sara stared at me in disbelief and leaned over with a hug.

"You must be freezing, dude, come on." She took off her scarf and unfolded it to use as a mini blanket but it didn't make things any better. In that moment I would've taken freezing over losing him any day.

The night over at Sara's was long, to say the least. As we sat on the couch late into the night, I explained everything to Sara as well as I could between sobs.

"What the fuck?" she exclaimed. "You guys have been together for, what, like, six years? What the hell?!"

"I know, I don't know," I replied. I could hardly think straight, much less analyze everything.

That part came later. The analyzation of things always came later for me; generally, I tended to react impulsively and immediately to a situation first, based on my feelings-- so I basically spiraled into a huge mess for a while before deeply thinking about anything. It made sense, but I wanted to know all his motives, and I wanted to examine things, but I was too sad and drowning in my feelings and--

Sara interrupted my thoughts by grabbing my hands. "Jess. Breathe. I know it sucks, but you need to try and calm down a little." She'd been listening to me vent and ramble for three hours although it was still a pretty continuous thing. I didn't know exactly what the hell would ever get me calmer. But she was my best friend, she felt like home. I took a shower and changed into comfier clothes like she instructed me to and headed into her room for the night.

"Hey," Sara said, looking up from a book as I entered the room. "How ya feel?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I replied.

"Yeah. It fucking sucks."

I smiled as walked to her bed. I climbed in and let out a sigh. I was completely exhausted and drained. The full reality hadn't hit me yet, but it was close. I snuggled up to Sara and fell into a restless sleep. 

\--

Sara offered her home to me for as long as I needed but I didn't want to impose. I stayed a couple more nights and she made the trip to my apartment with me to help me clear out some of Andy's things and to help me pack for Miami. She never ceased to bring up my spirit even in such a sucky situation. The endless offer of hugs? Not a bad thing either. With everything that's happened between us and then with Andy and me, I couldn't help but question the timing of the events. With this trip in a few days and having to see Andy again, after what happened. It was going to be sooooo weird, to say the least.

\-----

Sara's POV

\---

We snuck off to the beach the first night after our time at the event. I say "snuck off" because we may or may not have ditched some others who wanted us to join their plans. In the end, our friends joined us a few hours later for a bonfire at the fire pit we claimed.

Our adventure was quiet but with her, I was at ease with silence, it was being in her company that mattered most.

Eventually, Jessie did speak up thanking me yet again for everything.

"Sara I know I keep saying this but it really means a lot"

"Jessie I'm always here for you", I stopped and grabbed her hand to pull her in front of me.

"Yeah, I know. It's just been difficult, I mean you know. It's so, different now." She kept breaking eye contact with me as she was trying to keep herself from crying. I released her hands and leaned in for a hug. We stumbled a little in the uneven sand successfully avoiding stepping on each other's toes.

"Sara, I still meant what I said the other day," she said softly in my ear.

"Hmm?"

"About us"

"Oh," I paused, "Jess, we don't need to think about that, you're grieving a past relationship. I'll be okay."

"No, no. Well, yes, I am. But, Sara I don't want it to be swept aside."

We parted and she reached for my hand. We walked further down the beach until the sun began to set, it's orange glow consuming the sky. Stopping to take in the view I pulled Jess in front of me so I could hug her from behind. We stayed like this for a while causing the butterflies in my stomach to go crazy. I wanted nothing more than to be able to hold her in my arms but I feared my intentions were not fair given the recent events. 

"You only wanted to do this so you could rest your head on mine!" she joked

I tried to deny it but she wasn't completely wrong.

"Well, here." I smoothed out a place in the sand for us to sit and laid out the towel we brought to dry our feet in case we felt adventurous enough to take a walk through the chilly water.

"Why thank you, Ms. Bareilles" 

We ended up laying side by side once the sun set waiting for the sky to be dark enough to see stars. My phone kept ringing. By the fourth time, Jessie insisted I answer because "it could be important". We listened to the voicemail then planned things out before calling them.

"It's getting chilly, do you mind heading back? They seem to miss us," I smiled as I said that last line

"Well who wouldn't," she said as she tossed her hair over her shoulder. Jessie always knows how to make me smile.

"So true," I joked back, brushing my shoulder off.

"Well actually, we could have a bonfire? I saw a pit near our hotel when we first set out here. It'll at least be close to them."

And that's what we did. We continued our attempt to name the constellations as we walked back to the stretch of beach in front of our hotel. Hand in hand only until we were within view of our building, just in case. We hugged and continued forward towards the fire pit.


	12. Heart, Stop Racing

Jessie and I stood in her kitchen in icy silence.

All I'd wanted was a little discussion. About a simple topic. But she'd misinterpreted and turned it into almost an argument. It wasn't completely her fault, though... I'd been acting strange, and I was just now actually realizing it. Our most intimate moments have been baby steps compared to previous relationships I've had and it was bothering me. I had literally dreamt of kissing her, several times, but now that it's reality... I've been fighting the type of nerves I've not felt in a long time. With my worrying and the stress from Jessie's recent breakup, we both would've benefited from some time away from figuring our relationship out. That didn't happen, though., I found myself in another battle with my thoughts about whether or not it's too soon to kiss this woman or if we needed time. I was worried that a kiss would lead me to take things further than either of us would be ready for.

\--

"That's not what I meant," I said quietly after a moment, trying to keep the anger out of my voice while also trying to get across to someone who was as stubborn as I was.

"Then what did you mean?" Jessie asked, letting out a little laugh and running her fingers through her hair. "You said you needed space and time. For what? Why?"

"I told you why."

"Then it must've come out wrong or something because it sounds like you're saying you're having trouble being with me."

I sighed and closed my eyes, trying not to scream. "Jessie-"

"Dude, just say it."

"Jess-"

"Tell me the truth."

"Jessie!"

I instantly regretted raising my voice-- she'd kept her cool more than me-- but I had a reason. She wouldn't stop talking long enough for me to explain that she was simply being paranoid. The orange-pink rays of the setting sun shone through the window and illuminated her face, prominently her eyes, which were lowered towards the floor. I felt like an asshole, even though I knew I didn't really do anything worth having this big a fight over, I just needed to calm my mind.

"Just. Listen," I begged, softening my voice. "Okay?"

She nodded and looked back up at me with raised eyebrows while pretending to zip her mouth and lock it with a key.

"All I was trying to say was that I want to take it slow. That's literally all it was, Jess. Why are you being like this?"

"I'm not being like anything. You barely talked to me at rehearsal today," she fired back

"But did it seem like I was mad at you?" I retorted.

"Well... no. I mean, I don't know, though. How was I supposed to?"

"You wouldn't," I sighed, feeling guilty. "I wasn't about to have this talk in front of everyone.."

With her arms crossed, Jessie leaned up against the countertop and nodded. "So what do you mean? Please just explain, I'll be quiet. With you being dodgy and beating around the bush with this, I just assumed you were upset with me or something. I don't know."

"No, oh my God, no. I've not been mad at you, Jess. I just. I want to make sure that before we jump totally into this that.... we don't jump totally into this."

Jessie looked at me dumbfounded. "Huh?"

I laughed a little because there was a nervous feeling sitting in my stomach for what I was about to say.

"Like... okay, so in Waitress, Jenna and Dr. Pomatter meet, and the first moment they discover they like each other, they go in hard. Like, hard-hard. You know?"

She smiled and shook her head as she looked down, which eased my mind a little. "Of course I know, I am her, get to the point."

"Okay, well, that's what I don't feel comfortable with." I took a deep breath and let it out slowly while I clenched my hands into fists and released them. Think, Sara. Think before you say shit.

"Jess... you and I met and we were instant friends... and then we kept talking, it became a lot more than just friends. I knew I had feelings for you but for them to become real life and not the fantasies I tried to crush in my head...I mean, you've changed a lot for me. It's not just a new relationship. Because those all take a little bit to adjust to. I've had crushes on girls but to have things actually work out is new for me and it's lent itself to be confusing."

I paused and snuck a tentative peek at her, unsure of whether to go on. Jessie was looking at me attentively. Her expression was now more open, and her eyes had resorted to the curious and innocent look that they normally held. The one that drew me into her more every time I saw.

I felt awkward standing there in the silence. I knew what I said was a lot to add into the mix of things in her head.

"I never want you to think I regret any of this" I added in

"Am I doing something wrong?"

"No? Jessie, no."

"Sara then-"

"I just want to make sure, before we continue with this... Look. I don't know if you've done this before. I don't know who you've been with in the past or how you really feel about us."

"Sara, stop it." She stepped toward me and reached out to rest her hands on my shoulders. "Breathe."

I took a few deep breaths and pulled her into a hug. I softly continued my ramble of worries, "But, I don't know if you're scared or anything like I am." I backed out of the hug. " I think... I think that I need to get comfortable with the idea of us before we act like it's normal when we're around everyone. Because to me, it isn't."

"Of course," Jessie replied, throwing me a wide-eyed look that said "duh." She continued, "the thing is, I fell really hard for you. But, I'm terrified as well."

My hands shook as I replied. "Really?" A hopeful feeling surged through my veins.

I took a step towards her and exhaled the breath I'd been holding. "So why'd you get mad, then?"

"I didn't mean to, I just didn't want you to be mad at me over something."

"You think that a lot, why?" I asked.

She smiled. "I don't know. I just don't want to hurt people. 'Cause I've been hurt before. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I understand." I slipped my hand into hers and squeezed it. "I'm sorry, though. This was my fault. I should've just said it. But damn I was so nervous, ha.."

"It's okay. The main thing is that we both admitted the same shit and we understand each other."

Her little laugh made me grin back. I pulled my hands out of hers and put them on her waist, pulling her close.

Jessie looked me in the eyes as tilted my head down and pulled me in to kiss the top of my forehead as she backed away again.

"Here's the thing, Sara, Andy and I may have just broken up but I've felt distant from him for quite some time now. When I read your note to Diane my heart jumped a little. In that moment, I realized why I was okay with the space between Andy and I.... because I knew I had you. Of course, I miss him and I'll need time as well. Especially before I can fully place myself into another relationship but I, Sara I want to know what this is, what we are. Are we crazy? I want the same thing you do. I've been confused and scared this entire time, on top of everything else."

"Whoa." I paused. My eyes shifted away from hers as I tried to make sense of the words she had spoken. The butterflies came back when she said it's because of me but at the same time, I felt wrong for wanting things between us to happen so soon.

"Sara?"

"Yeah, I. Hi. I don't think we're crazy, but then again we normally are pretty out there. I don't want to push you into anything, but of course, I'd want to try this with you. I -"

Jessie cut me off as she leaned in to kiss me.

I was completely caught off guard. My mind went straight into panic mode. I think she felt my body tense up and placed her hand on my chin to hold my head still in front of hers to finish the kiss. She then pulled away and looked at me, almost checking to make sure her actions were well received, but she asked anyway.

"May I continue?"

"Jess, are you sure you're alright?"

"Sara, I've been wanting to kiss you since the first time you stepped in to help with Bad Idea choreo in Boston."

My eyes grew wide. Oh my god... I had completely forgotten about those days but the memories and feelings were surfacing. I smiled and pulled her into another kiss. Something I've also been waiting to do for a long time. I could feel us both relax the instant our lips met again. One of my hands ended up back on her waist while the other resting on her elbow. Her fingers in my hair and on my face. She stopped to continue her thought.

"It's easy to act flirty when the feelings exists, no matter how.. deep.. they're hidden"

"Who are you? Where's my innocent Jessie?" We were both giggling.

"Oh, you mean as innocent as miss sweet as whole?"

I smiled and bit my lip to stop myself from being a smart ass back at her. I began to trace the side of her face with my fingers landing on her lips with just my index pulling her lip down a little causing her to laugh.

"Uhmmm?" Jessie whispered

"Shhh" I pushed my finger on her lips but we both started to laugh too hard

"Way to ruin a moment," I said. She leaned her forehead into me pushing me back. I let out a soft sigh, but before I had time to be disappointed Jessie kissed me again sending my body into another slight shock, still from the newness of things. But I was happy, that unexpected gift I had been waiting for kept happening.

"Babe?" I said, looking up at her.

"Hm?"

"I fell really hard for you, too."

We kissed again, softly, and stood wrapped up in each other for a moment.

There was something special about us.

I felt it.

She felt it.

Us.

Our giddiness faded and we both let the kisses and our closeness consume us for a while. Part of me really wanted this to go further but I knew it would be too soon. Things felt slow between us in my head but in reality, they were already moving pretty quick. I still worried that I'd be a rebound and this happiness would be short lived but our talk helped me work through that fear.

"Sara?" she whispered while pulling away from me

"Hmm?"

She looked into my eyes and tried to pull a sad puppy dog face "You're not leaving tonight, right?"

I smiled and walked out of the room, heading towards the couch, "I think I can handle this couch if that's fine by you Mueller?"

She rolled her eyes back at me as she walked over to grab my hand. She pulled me off the couch and led me to her bedroom where we stopped in front of her bed before she gave me a little shove so I'd fall into the mattress.

"Can you handle this?"

Her tone and face were so serious but flirty. I couldn't help the laugh that was building inside, I was having trouble picturing her as the dominant one.

"The mattress? Yeah, I'm sure I can handle it" I teased as I sat up, "It'd be comfier than the couch I'm sure... it's, it's fit for a queen after all."

"You and your jokes." Jessie sat down next to me and held my hand. We remained in silence for a minute or two just leaning into one another.

"Jess we don't have to..."

"Yeah, I know. It's not that I don't want to, I"

"Hun, you don't have to explain"

Jessie leaned in for a quick kiss then got up to get me a change of clothes. She returned smiling. She looked really happy and it warmed my heart.

"I could get used to kissing you" she grinned as she handed me the clothes

I grabbed her hands as she did and pulled her in so I could kiss her again.

"Good."


	13. If We Never Understand A Thing

"Sara, I'm so sore. This is ridiculous." Jessie leaned most of her weight against me as I leaned more into the wall. I tried to keep my composure as she continued.

"My arm hurts in muscles I didn't know existed," she whispered.

"Jess, it's -"

"If you're going to tell me this will go away with more practice you can save your breath."

 

"Well, I wasn't exactly... Jess. Look, just think of it this way. You're going to have some great arms after a few weeks of that choreo -no, pie-ography." 

I laughed. I couldn't help it. Jessie played up her sad facial expressions as I stood up. I could tell she wanted to give me a playful punch, but she managed a little laugh instead. I was saved by the pie. I reached for her hand to help pull her up so she could join me in our walk out of the rehearsal space.

"Jess, do you ever get used to it?" I asked as we made our way through the parking lot.

"To what?"

"To the thrill of this process. Rehearsal, meeting new people, learning new things?"  
She leaned into me, bumping arms as we walked towards the sidewalk.

"No. Sure, there's some things you get used to, but each project is different, and I love it."

I watched her as she answered, trusting that she'd make sure I wouldn't run into a car or step in something as we walked-- I had a short attention span. She was the responsible one. 

After we traveled a few blocks she grabbed my hand. "Jess, we really don't have to walk," I said. "I'm not sure you had the energy to. We can just take a cab?"

"Oh, thank goodness." She laughed and immediately veered off to the curb to look around and hail a cab.

Both exhausted, although Jessie more than myself, we had dinner and snuggled on the couch. 

The next few days resembled this fairly closely. One of the nights, Jess fell asleep on my couch, so I worked on music for the show while she napped. I often worried she was being worked too hard, but had to remind myself this wasn't her first big show. I was surprised that she wasn't sick of me alone by the time rehearsals were over. 

"Hey, Ms. Composer, what are we doing in this closet?"

This joke was too much. I let it go. 

"Oh, hello," I replied flirtatiously. "Ya know, the usual musical stuff. The sound is better in here sometimes. " 

"Can you take a break?"

She walked over to me and took the headphones off my head, leaned over to my computer to save the file, and then grabbed my hand to lead me out of the room.

"Jess, what's going-" 

Her lips met mine before I could finish the sentence. 

"Oh, does this mean your arms feel better?" I joked in between kisses.

"I think they'll manage," she said as she wrapped them around me. 

The kissing was becoming intense. I felt crazy, intense, pleasant sensations running through my body and I wanted this to lead to so much more. I led her down the hall into my room, still managing to kiss and be close. 

I stopped her so I could unzip my sweatshirt, but she helped me take it off. 

"Thanks." I smiled and continued with a long kiss. 

Her hands, which were resting on my hips, started moving down. She paused the kissing and looked me in the eyes. "Did I ever mention that you've got a nice ass?"

I laughed out of disbelief, knowing hers was much nicer, and leaned in for another kiss. With her back to the bed, I started moving forward till her legs touched the edge. She stopped me and in that moment I thought I'd gone too far. I started to back away from Jess, feeling a little hesitant, but I was locked in by her arms, so I let all-- or at least most-- of the fear melt and I melted into her. 

"Hi," she whispered, looking in my eyes with passion. As she sat on the bed, she brought her hands around to unzip my pants and roll down the waistband to rest on my hips. She lifted the bottom of my shirt a little to allow for her kisses down my core, which she stopped just below my belly button, causing me to shiver. I raised my arm to the bottom of Jessie's chin so I could tilt her head back. I leaned down for a kiss. Our lips met but only enough for one kiss. She scooted back on the bed and I followed through to end up next to her. With each kiss I felt the warmth generate between us. I tried to keep peace in my mind and let things happen but I couldn't help but wonder if she was mentally freaking out a little as well. And why I was. Our next kiss melted the thought from my mind and I pushed myself up over her, kneeling with her between my legs. 

"Remind you of anything?" she laughed. 

We couldn't let go of the damn musical.

"Hmm, well last time I checked I'm not your doctor, or married, so I'd say this idea wouldn't be so... bad..." I replied. It was hard to breathe around her.

Jessie reached for my head. I leaned down so our lips could meet. One of her hands was woven through my hair while the other was placed on my neck. The heavier and warmer things got between us, the more I second guessed myself.... but the better it felt. My thoughts didn't stop me from kissing her neck or her chest or other places close by as we sat up. The way she reacted to the little acts of pleasure were fueling my desire to take this further. Her sweet smile, the way her hands tensed up when we connected, and the fact that she was more relaxed than I'd seen in awhile. There were only small thoughts crossing my mind about whether this was too soon or not. Everyone had those. And she felt so good...Everything drifted away as I pulled her tank top off. 

"You're so gorgeous I said, staring into her eyes. 

"So are you," she whispered, smiling.

"I really want this... you..." Kissing her again, I traced my fingers along her bra, teasing the thought of us being naked together.  But suddenly, she pulled away and sucked in a breath. 

"Sara."

"Yeah?" I asked. 

"I."  Jessie looked away from me, looking strangely uncomfortable. The ethereal feeling in the room disappeared as I realized something was wrong. 

"Jessie."

 

"Yeah?" 

"What's wrong?"

 

She hesitated, then replied, "Nothing, it's all good." But her face clearly said otherwise. I could tell she was trying to hide it, but I knew her too well.

"What is it?" I asked, sitting up. She sat up, too, and sighed. 

"Um... nothing, really. I'm just tired."

 

"No, you're not." I kissed her cheek. 

"Sara," she blurted out, as if she'd been waiting to say it. "Um, can we not do this?" Jessie scooted a little bit away. My heart sank. 

"Do what?" I asked. "Us?"

 

She looked up urgently. "No, no, I want us but..."

I slowly crawled my fingers over to meet hers, giving her a moment. "What?" I asked softly. "Why are you upset? Tell me."

"Does this not scare you?" she asked. "The way we're jumping into all this?"

"We're not jumping in?" 

"Not jumping in," she sighed, "but, ... this. It's so new for both of us. Doesn't it scare you at least a little?"

I was hesitant with my reply. "Yeah, of course it does. It's different."

 

"I mean, it's good, but it's different... and I don't think I'm ready to go this far. I know you want to and I know I should want to but it just feels so early. I'm fine with kissing and cuddling and stuff, but not... that." 

I immediately felt relieved, albeit still nervous. I nodded and replied, "Of course...that makes sense." 

Her eyes welled with tears and she looked down, a tear falling down her cheek. 

"Hey, no, what's wrong?" I asked, alarmed. 

She shook her head, flustered. "Nothing, I just. I want you too. But I'm just not ready and I don't want you to think I don't love us or anything because I do but I'm just really protective over myself... and especially with this, I've never done this before so it's like." She let out the breath she'd been holding because of nervousness and continued, "I'm still trying to process everything that's happened recently."

God, she was so great. 

I nodded in agreement. "Me too, Jess. It's not been super easy for me, either."

"But you seem so..."

"Look." I positioned myself across from her so we could see each other fully. "I don't mean to be pushy. I promise. Sometimes, I'm just impulsive, and it gets me into trouble when I don't mean for it to. Sometimes I should-" 

"This isn't about you," Jessie said. "It's not your fault. It's how I feel." 

"But it's not your fault, either," I replied, tilting her head up and wiping a tear off her cheek.

"You're just... I'm just more ready than you, I guess. We're different people, and that's alright. That doesn't mean I haven't had second thoughts too, because I have. I was just dumb and didn't listen, and now it hurt you."

"I said it's not you." 

"Okay, but still. I'm sorry, Jess." 

Jessie gently brushed the strands of hair that had fallen across my face and tucked them behind my ear.

"Your heart is so good." She kissed me on the cheek gently and pulled away as she took a deep breath. 

"It's okay," I said. "We don't need to rush. I'm always gonna be here, no matter what. You're incredible. And we never have to do anything we're both not comfortable with." 

She hugged me for a moment. I tried to yawn quietly but Jessie noticed and backed out of our embrace. "You should sleep." 

I shrugged. Jessie laughed a little. 

We fell into an awkward silence for a solid minute or two. Finally, Jessie got up and left my sight, heading to my hall closet. I closed my eyes for a few minutes until I was awoken by clothes landing on me.

"Got you some jammies," she said. 

"You can stay the night if you want," I replied, only before seeing the overnight bag in her hand.

She looked down. "Oh, uh, I, I was just going to go home for the night."

"Why?" My heart sank again. I had a bad feeling about this. 

"It's not because of you," she said. "I just need to think." 

"Jess-"

"It's fine," she insisted. "Really." 

I knew it wasn't. I got out of bed and walked over to her. "Okay. Well, have a good night. I'll see you...?

My tone of voice was a little bit questioning, which I didn't like. 

"Yes," she said. It was hesitant on both ends, but truthful.

I fell asleep without her beside me, the questioning about her feelings and my own feelings and actions keeping me awake.

\---

Jessie and I didn't talk the next day. We didn't have rehearsal, so our encounter simmered in my mind the entire day, tormenting me. It was weird going about my day without her, but there was no way in hell I was texting or calling first. The silence felt like drowning, but it was also safety. If we didn't talk, I wouldn't have to deal with anything bad. But not knowing the status of our relationship was worse. I was making dinner for myself that night when my phone buzzed. I unplugged it from the charger and froze when I saw the name. It was Jessie. I opened it as fast as I could, but I almost wished I hadn't. 

"I don't like the way we ended last night," she'd said. 

"You went home to think about us, didn't you?" I replied. 

"Yes." 

 

"What did you think about?"

 

"If you are mad at me or not. How weird we were. How dumb I feel. What it means that we haven't talked in 15 hours. If it means anything." 

She'd counted the hours. 

I felt sick to my stomach as I replied, somehow knowing what I wanted to say with certainty. 

"I'm not mad at you. I don't care that much about waiting, this isn't and was never about sex or anything. I love you and if you're not ready, that's okay. I'm still trying to figure things out and am confused just as much as you are. Don't feel dumb. Thank you for being honest. And I know we were weird and I know we haven't talked but does it mean anything?" 

"I don't know," she replied. 

 

"Do you want it to?"

 

"No but... I think I just need time to think and get myself sorted out. Like, I just got out of a relationship and this relationship is entirely new and different and I just feel like I need some time."

 

"Yeah. I get that. So... what are you saying?"

 

"Idk. I don't wanna break up but it's just... I need space." 

 

"Okay." 

 

"Okay." 

"It might do me good, too. I mean what I said last night... I'm confused, too. And it really is okay that you feel this way. I'll always care about you no matter what." 

"I'm not breaking up," Jessie replied. 

"Are you sure? That's kinda what this sounds like..." 

"I don't want to break up. I need space and time. None of this is your fault so why do we need to break up? I promise, it's not you. It's just my stuff I need to figure out before I can go a lot farther with us. With this." 

"Yeah... I always pushed it down before but I have some things I need to think about too. But Jess... I really care about you. You know that, right?"

"Yes. I care about you, too, Sara. You know that, right?" 

"Yes. So this isn't the end?" I asked. 

"I don't think so... We both basically agreed that we need to put it on hold for a while. So that's what it is, I guess. A pause." 

"Yeah. So.... text me later or something maybe? If you want?" 

"Yeah." 

Even though I knew we weren't actually breaking up, even though I did honestly have the same confusions as she did that I needed to sort out, I still cried that night at her last message. It still felt horrible. Because I knew that we weren't the same anymore. Knowing that it wasn't either of our faults almost made it hurt worse. Knowing that time apart would be helpful to both of us almost made it hurt worse. 

It just hurt.


	14. Burns A Bit To The Touch

I was a little groggy the next day at rehearsal. Luckily, I had a slower day task-wise due to another round of choreography instruction. Things with the show were picking up, and it was exciting and scary and everything in-between.

After rehearsals Jess and I had our daily walk home but I was worried about how things would be between us. I was happy this wasn't blown and things were feeling like they were somewhat normal, albeit awkward.

"Well, the box office opens tomorrow!" I said excitedly, trying to break the silence between us and grabbing her hand out of habit.

"On Valentine's Day? That's kinda cute," she replied. I noticed that she didn't grip my hand back. I felt a pang in my stomach, but tried to ignore it. Even though she'd been quiet towards me all day.

Maybe it didn't mean anything? Maybe she just didn't think of it. It was just a hand. Just a movement, right?

Shit, I thought, returning back to our conversation quickly. "Oh, yeah. I guess it is. We're handing out mini pies to those who buy tickets."  
"Aw, that's adorable."

"Yeah, it is."

I looked over at her for a moment. Her face was neutral-- not smiling, but not frowning, either. Usually she would smile more, talk more around me.

A mental war was going on in my mind.

It's no big deal. She said we were fine. We don't have a reason to not be fine.

But what if we're not?

She literally insisted that our conversation the other night hadn't been a big deal.

Then why does everything feel so awkward? Why do I get the feeling it's not just me?

I must've zoned out a little, staring for too long, because she caught my eyes. "Sara, you okay?" she asked, pulling me out of my thoughts as we stopped to wait to cross the street.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Yeah, I'm good. Just tired." I changed the subject before she could say anything more. "Hey, did you want to do anything in honor of the holiday?"

For a moment, I questioned whether I was asking out of formality or if I actually wanted us to go out. It took me only a split-second to realize that of course I did want to take her out, but the question seemed just a tiny bit awkward after what had happened last night. Maybe I was just overthinking everything. Maybe the devil on my shoulder was wrong.

When she didn't respond immediately, I looked back at her gorgeous face and shrugged. "I don't know how into it you are...or how you're feeling."

Jessie smiled and shrugged back. "Oh hun, no... we don't-"

Jessie paused. I couldn't tell if she was suppressing a love for the holiday behind her confused expression because she knew it wasn't my favorite or if she was genuinely unsure of what to say. She seemed happy-- we both wanted this-- but she seemed, like me, slightly hesitant because of whatever we were lately.

"I wasn't sure how we fit into things yet, I suppose," I said to break our moment of quiet.

Jessie nodded and stopped walking, looking at me with an honest expression. And not a happy one. "Yeah... me neither." She sighed and took my hands in hers. The motion surprised me, as I hadn't been expecting us to touch. "Sara, um, I'm glad you asked, really... I didn't know what to say. I know it's not been one of your favorite days in the past."

"Yeah, the celebrating always came more from the person I was with and..."

I started to think like I was single, but caught myself. Because I wasn't single anymore. We were us, right? Whatever that was.

"I mean, I have you," I continued. "So it's okay, I guess.

Okay, I guess?

What the hell did that mean?

"Hmm," Jessie replied squinting her eyes and giving me a sly smile.

"Don't get me wrong, I love... love," I said. We both laughed.

"Yeah, I understand," Jessie said. "So, tomorrow is just another day for us then?"

She seemed disappointed but like she was trying not to show it. I kicked a leaf and shrugged.

"Well, no."

I quickly tried to think of something to cover our awkwardness.

"Oh?"

"Tomorrow is the box office's opening day!" I said with a little jump out in front of her, arms spread out like I was about to do jumping jacks. She walked into me, wrapping her arms around my stomach.

We were far enough away from the theater that I didn't worry about anyone seeing. Besides, friends hug. But honestly, anyone seeing us was second on my list of worries.

Why were we so weird yet happy around each other at the same time?

-

Valentine's Day, if you could even call it that, was spent indoors at my apartment. We didn't really celebrate; just had dinner and watched a marathon of Cupcake Wars episodes on Netflix in our pajamas. I was taking a short trip to California to sing at a wedding later that week, so my place was a bit of a mess with a couple of boxes piled on top of my suitcase and clothes strewn everywhere, but our evening went better than I expected. Not that I expected it to go badly, but it felt a little more... us than our recent encounters had. I hoped it wasn't just the holiday making us feel forced.

But, worries aside, it was a nice evening. We laughed and contemplated running our own bakery one day. "It would have to be pies, too, though," Jessie said. "And we actually have to call it Lulu's. And the rest of the cast and Jessie and Diane have to work there, too, because it wouldn't be as much fun without them."

"I agree a thousand percent," I replied, yawning and standing up from the couch. "Yo, diner lady, I think I'm gonna go to bed. I'm sleeeeepy."

"Mkay. Mind if I crash here tonight?"

"No, I thought that was what the plan was, anyway," I replied.

"Oh, yeah, I, I just didn't know..." Jessie sighed and let out a joking "ahem," a failed attempt to clear up her last sentence. "Nevermind. Um, I'm gonna take a shower, but can I borrow a shirt from you? I didn't bring anything."

"Yes, ma'am," I said, taking her hand and leading her into my room and over to my closet. "Take your pick."

She giggled. "I don't really care what shirt I wear to bed. But that one."

Jessie pointed to a plain black, thick, sweater-like shirt. I pulled it off the hanger, eyebrows raised.

"You cold? Won't this be hot?"

"Probably not. I'm always cold. And I'm sleeping alone, so I might get cold."

The recent pang in my stomach struck me again. It only hit when I was around her. And only for the last few days. "Okay," I shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat and sails your ship."

She grinned and kissed my cheek. "Thanks. Goodnight, captain."

Captain. As in, I sail her ship.

Did I?

I smiled back. There might as well have been hearts in my eyes. "Goodnight."

I kissed her, a quick peck on the lips, and watched her head out before crawling into bed myself and worrying about what she said.

"I'm sleeping alone."

Did she mean it in an obvious way? Because, yeah, we hadn't exactly slept together-- in any sense of the term-- yet. We hadn't been dating for very long... and this entire shift in our relationship had happened after we'd tried to. Not that I cared, because her comfort was most important, but... there was just some unspoken thing that said something wasn't really fine. And I didn't even think it had anything to do with sleeping together.

I fell asleep trying to figure out the mystery that was sleeping on my couch. Did she mean what she'd said in a snarky way? Disappointed? Or was I just overthinking it?

\--

It wasn't like me to keep secrets from friends, let alone hide a relationship. That was why I was slowly going insane as I prepared for California. Helping Geoff move was a little break from that madness before I left. We had filled up a rented van with his belongings and were en route to his new place. I knew the downtime during the trip would let my mind scream with a desire to tell him. Times with him were always a joy, due to the fact we were both goofs, they usually took my mind off things.... except for now.

"Hey, so, I've got some news..." I began after taking a deep breath and contemplating the sentence for an hour. I taped a box shut and sighed, leaning back against the couch.

"Oh yeah? You gonna stay in Cali after that trip?" Geoff asked, turning to me excitedly.

"No, no," I laughed. "I definitely want to come back to New York, I've got work here now." I smiled and felt myself blush a little. "And..."

"Oh? There's an 'and?'" he asked with raised eyebrows. I think he could tell by the look on my face and our conversations recently that something was up.

The realization crossed his face a split-second later and he gasped. "Who!?"

He was good.

"What do you mean, who?" I teased.

"Sara, c'mon! I know there's someone! You're blushing!"

"I am not! It's just freakin' cold outside!"

He gave me a slightly side-eye-ish look. "Mhm. And my ass is flat. We're inside."

I rolled my eyes at his attitude. "Fiiiine, fine. So, it's. They're..."

"They're?"

"Let me continue or I'm not helping unpack!" I joked, kneeling down beside a box. "This is new for me, and dude, I'm nervous as fuck."

Geoff's expression changed when he saw how serious I was. "What, Sara?" he asked, moving over and punching my shoulder playfully. "Tell me."

"Jessie and I are together...?"

"Is this a question? Are you asking me?" he joked back before what I said totally sunk in. "Babe, I'm... you? Jessie!? You never told me about this gay shit."

"Yeah. I never knew about it till now." I smiled and buried my head in my hands to muffle my "ahhhhhh".

"It's just, like, we met and we were instantly friends, and she's so... weird and quirky in the best way and we have the same viewpoints on things but we're also different. She's soft and slow and grounded and calm and I'm... just not sometimes. It's like we balance each other out perfectly. And she's funny and smart- so fucking smart, holy shit, and she has nice lips and these bright blue eyes and a really good ass... she's just amazing. She cares so much about everything and she wants to be a part of everything and make a difference. We're great together. She gets me."

Geoff immediately leaned over despite all the added fabric from our coats and we managed something that resembled a hug.

"This is the cutest thing!" he squealed.

"I know!" I replied.

"I'm happy for you, Sara. And I'm a text or call away if you need anything. As always," Geoff said.

"I know. I might need it. God knows I'm the most confused human being right now."

"About the fact that Jessie's a girl?"

"Yeah. But also other stuff. But I don't wanna worry about it, I'm so happy we're a thing."

Geoff nodded. "Me too, hot damn. This shakes my life up."

I laughed as I thought about how much I love him. How grateful I was to finally get this off my chest.

"Thank you." I smiled and sighed in relief that I was able to tell someone, even if I hadn't told him quite everything about the relationship.

\--

The next morning I was at the airport. Bags checked and waiting to board, I tried to drown everything out with music. Leaving Jessie sucked-- although truth be told, our relationship was my biggest worry right now.


	15. untitled

California was just as I remembered it to be. Everything was the same. Same bright sky, same palm trees, same friends, same quaint beauty.

Except for me. I felt like a completely different person walking into Chaska's little house near the beach, where I'd be staying for the next couple of days. I breathed in the salty, peaceful air as I lugged my suitcase through the door, the familiarity of the state rushing through me. Sometimes I just needed some peace and quiet to counter the bustle of Manhattan.

"Hey, babeeee," I yelled out to Chaska. "Where you at?"

A moment later, she ran out of her bedroom, practically pouncing on me,"Hiiiiii!"

I laughed and hugged her back tightly. "I missed you!"

"I missed you more, holy shit," She pulled away and took my hands, smiling. "You look so pretty, as always."

She is so nice to me, I think, as I compliment her back. All of my friends are, even though I don't exactly understand why sometimes. They remind me to ignore the negativity in my head as best I can.

So that's what I did during this little trip. My time with them was spent like it always was, drinking and singing and laughing and taking stupid photos into the night.

The romance and magic of the wedding led me to miss the one I loved more times than I'd wanted... and I couldn't figure out why, as I'd come here with the intention to, admittedly, forget about us for just a couple of days. But, nevertheless, the battles inside my head, our argument, were all pushed aside as I imagined dancing with Jessie to a love song. It gave me warm and fuzzy feelings about her that I'd missed with our complicated feelings recently.

The sunset and the after-party continued well into the morning hours. I mostly hung around with my friends after our performance, exchanging stories from our time apart. I wanted to tell them about Jessie, but there didn't seem like an appropriate time in our conversation. And the thought of admitting this secret felt like teetering on the edge of a cliff. I pushed the thought down with another glass of wine and a song.

...

I had time before my flight back home, so I searched for an outlet in the airport. Trying to find one near my gate and hoping there'd be an empty chair near felt like an impossible task. Once I was situated, I scrolled through my photos from the trip, intending to organize them into a collage of some sort, but kept going back to ones of rehearsals, scenic shots of Manhattan... and, of course, Jessie. I'd sent her a text that morning before I'd left for the airport but was still awaiting anxiously for a response.

Even with the time difference I figured she'd have time to reply.

I ended up posting a picture with the caption "See you soon NY". I really wanted to hashtag Jessie's name, but she wouldn't have seen it, plus I couldn't be that forward online yet.

Next thing I knew, I had an incoming Facetime call, the sound startling me. It was from Jessie. I smiled as I it reminded me of something you'd see in a romcom. But didn't our entire relationship? Maybe she really was online...or someone mentioned my post to her.

Her face made me break into a big smile. "Hey, hun" I answered, immediately wishing I had checked my hair beforehand.

"Hey. How's your trip? How are your alans or whatever you call them?" she asked.

"My ships are very well, thank you" I replied with a laugh. "How is my Jess?"

"I'm alright, and that's wonderful, I'm sure it was nice catching up with them."

"Indeed it was. We made plans for them to see the show too, so that's exciting."

"Aw, yay, really?"

I nodded. "Yeah, they're really excited."

"Did you tell them about us?" Jessie asked suddenly, her voice lowering.

I shook my head and swallowed nervously. "No."

Jessie's face turned to smiling again. "Okay. Cool. Anyway. I'm excited to see what they've built for the set tomorrow!"

She was almost singing, her voice getting higher as she went on. I found it ridiculously adorable.

"Yes! It's crazy to think about," I replied.

"We're going over to check it out, right?"

"I mean, it'll be after morning rehearsals I'm sure. But we can gather everyone up to take a little field trip."

"Sounds good, master," Jessie joked. I rolled my eyes hoping she wouldn't see... but she did. She missed nothing, as observant as she was.

"I saw that," she shot back at me with raised eyebrows. We both laughed. I couldn't hide from her.

She flipped the camera around as she walked up to the rehearsal space and then turned it back to herself, making a funny face. I could hear chatter from everyone in the room. Nadia walked past and Jessie got her to say hi to me.

I missed them all so much. Maybe some kind of magic would happen while I was on the plane and I could land with everything simplified.

\---

Today was the day. It was the morning after I returned to New York, and I woke to excited texts from a handful of people in the cast. We got to see the theatre for the first time and get a feel for the space.

I was beside myself and still emotional about this whole thing. This was my biggest childhood dream, and I was watching it come true. I never really thought it would happen. With becoming a pop artist, it was a dream pushed to the side, but it had all come back around in a matter of what felt like minutes. And it was especially sweet to me personally, with the mess my life had been over the last few years.

I turned the corner and there it was, the show's new home for the next several months, or however long the Broadway gods allowed. I stopped and stared for a moment, savoring the first sight. It was like seeing my newborn child for the first time.

Walking inside felt so good, and so terrifying at the same time. What was I doing? I turned, hearing the stage door open right behind me, and immediately grinned upon seeing Jessie.

"Oh, hey, Jess!" I said excitedly. My stomach did that flip-flop thing, but I ignored whatever feeling came along with it and focused on how I felt like I was starving for her. Even if it was only three days.

"Morning." We locked eyes and she stepped towards me. "I brought you coffee and a bagel."

Our hands brushed as she handed it to me. I smiled and thanked her, setting it down on the floor and pulling her into a hug.

She was so sweeeet. It gave me chills.

And I also blushed. She looked so beautiful. In sweats and a t-shirt and a hat, she was the only thing in the room I cared to look at. As we pulled away, she grinned and bit her lip adorably.

"I missed you," she said quietly. "I'm glad you got back safely."

Heart flutters this time. A sudden wave of emotion. "I missed you, too, babe."

We kissed for a moment. It was short but intense. We both wanted more, but not here.

"I love you," I whispered, my forehead against hers.

"I love you more."

"You look cute," I said.

She laughed. "Oh, totally."

"You do."

Jessie curtsied and smiled playfully. I took her hand and kissed it. "M'lady."

"All yours." She winked and turned away, heading down the hall. "I gotta go put my stuff down but seeee ya."

We met up with the others and we gathered in the lobby to go over plans. There was a lot of talking and presenting of the stage design, but we all really just wanted to walk around and explore the theatre like little kids. Being an adult was really just being a taller child.

It was hard not to play eye games with Jessie as she stood across from me in the group circle. Once Diane was finished talking, we were free to roam the space, so long as we stayed off the stage and out of the way of the crew. As I set off up the stairs to get a view from above, I could hear someone following me, but I didn't turn around to look. I had a feeling I knew who it was.

Once we both reached the top of the steps my sense was confirmed. I looked over at Jessie and laughed. Our eyes met, and we stopped laughing. There was a sudden sense of seriousness.

We stared at each other for a moment. I touched her hand and led her back down the stairs and out into the hall. "Jess..." I said, leaning up against the wall.   
"I know," she replied, looking down.   
We stepped closer and closer to each other. I took her head in my hands and kissed her cheek gently, then stopped and looked at her. She looked up at me and blushed. "I... Mhm."  
We kissed again, this time on the lips.   
My stomach twisted and turned and flopped as our lips met and fell away, met and fell away.   
When we had to breathe, Jessie pulled away first and smiled.  
We looked into each other's eyes, and I realized I had butterflies. She was beautiful. Her plump lips that felt so good to kiss, her bright blue eyes, the scent of vanilla on her neck. The way she laughed, her voice, the way she moved.   
I couldn't breathe. And neither could she.   
Jessie pulled my head to hers and kissed me again. We kissed harder and longer this time. I felt nothing except some kind of good, warm feeling. Everything else went blank except for her. Nothing else mattered, except for her.   
In the middle of a kiss, we burst out laughing, my hands on her chest. I ran my finger along her collarbone. She looked up at me and grinned.   
"Jess..." I said again. She nodded.   
Breathing heavily, without thinking, we grabbed hands and we left to find the others.

As much as she caused my heart to race, she also calmed my nerves caused by the show. We made our way through the theatre and headed backstage.

Nadia looked over at us as we made it down the stairs. "Where'd you guys go?"   
Jessie and I looked over at each other, then away. Shit. What was I supposed to say? Maybe she would say something in the next three seconds... But she didn't.   
"Um, we were just talking," I said. "We, uh, had some stuff to go over and wanted to see the stage from a bird's eye view."  
Nadia raised her eyebrows, clearly skeptical. "Oh. Okay then."  
She started to turn away, then turned back. "There's something on your lip, Sara."   
She was referring to Jessie's lipstick. I quickly wiped it off. "Is it gone?"   
"Yeah," she said.   
Then, she looked down at my and Jessie's hands interlocked.   
Her eyes widened. But not in a bad way, exactly... more like confused?

"What in the world."   
Nadia walked away with a shake of her head. Jessie and I glanced over at each other, panicked.

We headed back to the rehearsal space and our day went by as usual. The cast and crew ended up going out that night. Jessie and I stayed separated and mingled with others to avoid giving anyone else an idea that something was going on.

The next day I woke up to texts from her asking when my next single "We Are The Sheep" was due and if she could get a signed copy. With a few texts back and forth of me being confused and her laughing at me via emojis she explained that I had posted videos to Snapchat with the sheep filter and wrote a short song. I must've been half-asleep.

" Don't delete them, they're cute!" she sent.

"Well it's a little late now don't ya think? They've already had so many views, haha..."

"Aw hun, people love your humor <3 ..and sometimes a little alcohol doesn't hurt :P"

"I guess, LOL."

She knew how to make me smile even when we're apart. I wasn't really upset about them-- the more I watched, the funnier they were. And it had given Jessie some entertainment. "So are we going to see the Billboard when it goes up!?" I texted a moment later, suddenly remembering.

"OMG I don't know if I want to see a giant picture of my face, Sara."

"C'mon we should go! You're the lead in a Broadway show, I think you deserve a giant billboard of your beautiful face."

"We'll see... :) Rehearsals soon!" she replied.

"Yes! I'll see you soon ;)"


	16. But No Matter The Miles I'm Back To You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Early March, shortly after moving into the Brooks)

"I'm cold," Jessie said, pushing her hands into her coat pockets. I pulled my glove off of my right hand and reached over to take hers. The glove was between our hands. Maybe it was cheesy, but it felt like a little symbol of unity.

Jessie glanced up at me and grinned. It was her shy smile, the one where her eyes shone even more and she blushed and her dimples were especially prominent. I grinned back, but she'd glanced back down already.

We walked in happy silence for a few more minutes until we reached the car, our crunchy footsteps alternating in the snow. I let go of her hand and pulled open the door to the backseat. "Hm?" She looked at me curiously. "You know the driver's not here, right?"

I laughed awkwardly. "Yes, I do. I just thought... ya know, I'm cold, too, so maybe we could just warm up and wait a little while before we go."

She shrugged and giggled. "Okay."

The dark leather of the backseat was chilly, too, but I didn't mind.

Jessie closed the door and turned to me, resting her head on her elbow and yawning. "I had fun tonight."

"Me too," I replied, twirling a strand of her hair around my finger. She took her hat off and tossed it under the seat. Naturally, we moved closer and I pulled her head to my chest.

I breathed in her scent. I couldn't tell if it was the last traces of her vanilla perfume or if it was just... her. She always smelled good. I let it waft over me as I repositioned and stretched out in the seat. She moved on top of me and buried her face in my neck, and for a while we were content just watching the sun disappear.

We got so lost in the silence and holding each other that, until I heard the car sound off, I hadn't thought about her falling asleep. But her breathing was slower, and when I looked up, her eyes were closed. The driver was still by the stage door waiting to see if anyone else from the theatre was sharing the ride with us.

"Jess?" I asked softly.

"Hm?"

"Oh."

"What?" She sighed and sat up, stretching and wincing in the adorable way I loved. Everyone did the same thing when they stretched, but she did it... differently?

She seemed to do everything a little differently in a good way.

"I was just seeing if you were awake," I said, running my thumb along her hand. "The driver is almost here."

I sat up and she moved into my lap. "You're so pretty," I said, looking up into her sea-colored eyes. They were bright blue, with a little green mixed in. Suddenly my stomach felt like it was plunging into cold water.

Jessie smiled. "So are you."

Her lips grazed my cheek. Her lips lingered down to my lips, and suddenly we were kissing. I locked the car.

We'd kissed before, technically, but not really- nothing more than quick pecks. I kissed back.

Neither of us wanted to pull away to breathe. I could see her exhales in the dark, little white clouds that held a minty smell from the gum she'd been chewing. A moment later, we pulled each other close again and kept making out. Harder.

There was no way to describe it except for delicious.

Her plump lips met and fell away from mine in an intoxicating rhythm. I missed this. I wanted more, and I could tell she did, too.

When we had to breathe again, I found myself gently unbuttoning her coat, not worrying about the fog on the windows.

She blinked and looked down. "Sara?"

"Jess?"

She helped me pull her coat off and we kissed again.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

Suddenly, she sucked in a breath and pulled away a little. "Uh, sorry, I just."

"What? What did I do?" I asked.

"It's not you. It's just."

The moment had gone from perfect to uncomfortable in a split second, but I knew why. "We don't have to do anything we both aren't comfortable with," I whispered.

She smiled and nodded. Thankfully, it seemed genuine, and not like ge was just settling for what I said. She looked over her shoulder and nudged me. "Sara, the driver."

I looked over to see him walking towards the car. "Oh, shit"

The moment of awkwardness between us quickly dissipated as we both laughed and sat up. Neither of us heard the car unlock again. The driver got in. Jess looked at me and smiled. She was coming home with me tonight.

We spent the drive looking through rehearsal pictures on my phone. Jessie ended up sitting in the middle of the backseat, allowing her to lean into and hug my arm.

"Oh, I like that one!" she whispered enthusiastically, pointing at the shot of me with her and Drew sitting on the floor of the stage.

"Students and the teacher," I said, smiling down at her.

"At least we're in it together," she sighed. Jess knew how dangerous it would be for me to post our selfies online. It was risky enough with the Florida picture I had posted. It's hard to avoid speculation of who is and isn't more than friends today... we couldn't have anyone making assumptions.

"Yeah, I like that. Drew is a nice buffer," I said.

"Drew, your understudy," Jessie joked.

I bit my lip to avoid bursting into laughter. "I hate you," I whispered playfully.

"Shut up, you love me."

We arrived at my place and wasted no time finding our way into bed.Cuddled up with one another amongst blankets and pillows, I rested my head on Jessie's shoulder for a change as her head rest atop mine. Our mugs of tea were left on the side tables to cool next to our charging phones.

We laid in silence for a while until I felt Jessie's hand reach over to meet mine.

"So I guess we're not gonna talk about how we just almost had sex after we've been tiptoeing around each other for the past two weeks?"

I turned towards her urgently. "What?"

"Slow down, just let me talk. You know our little... whatever it was. When I said I needed space. We never talked about it after that and things got all awkward and then you went to California and came back and things were all of a sudden fine but not really fine and now we're all over each other and really damn happy about it. I'm confused."

I squeezed her hand, stifling a laugh at her rambling and blatancy. "Me too, Jess. But you're the one who said you needed space."

"I know. But when you were in California, it gave me time to think about things, and... I guess I'm just saying I want this us again. The us that happened tonight. I don't know what we've been lately, we're either up each other's ass or distant, but I want everything to go back to normal. Whatever that means."

"And what do you think that means?" I asked.

"I don't know. But I do know that this isn't any less scary, and I'm still confused, but what I said a few weeks ago... I don't feel that way anymore. At least, not as intensely. I want us."

I swear fireworks went off in my head at that moment.

She sounded so pained, so sure, so hesitant, and so excited all at once. And I knew. I felt that way, too. But knowing she was accessible... it felt freeing.

I grinned and kissed her forehead. "I want us, too. And I completely understand, I told you I felt the same way. But yeah, I want us to be okay, too. And, I mean, I think we are now."

She nodded. "Yeah. I think so."

I sighed, a warm feeling all-encompassing in the room. Finally totally peaceful, we said goodnight between yawns and kisses.


	17. Okay, We'll Do It Your Way

I managed to wake up before her this time. Usually Jessie is the early riser. With the heaviness of our uncertainty off my chest, I had finally gotten a good night's rest. It was either that or the jetlag from my California trip.

Jess and I were finally at a place where we both felt the same. We both wanted a relationship together, a "more-than-friends" relationship... but there was still a little worry in my head. Not the normal anxiety from a new relationship— the worry revolved around Jessie and her career, this musical.

Footsteps into the kitchen interrupted my thoughts. I turned around to see a sleepy Jessie headed for the coffee pot.

"Good morning," she said softly as she padded over to the table.

"Morning," I smiled. Seeing her always warmed my heart.

"Is everything okay?" Jessie asked, looking over at me. "You look concerned with something."

"I, uhm. No?" I replied. "It's nothing."

Jessie raised her eyebrows. "Sara."

"It's just me overthinking again, you know me."

"Well, you wanna talk it out? It's not good to bury things inside."

"Yeah, I know. I just— yeah, you're right."

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair, feeling the stress set in. "Just...you know, previews will be starting, and then opening night.."

"Do you ever let yourself not think about the show for a minute?" Jessie laughed into her mug as she took another sip of coffee.

"No, it's just, I'm thinking about us." I blurted.

Jessie put her mug down. "Oh."

I sat down beside her at the table. "I'm happy we're on the same page, I really am. What I'm worried about is the extra burden this would be for you."

"Burden? Hun, you are no burden. To anyone," Jessie replied.

"I didn't mean that, I –"

"No, Sara. Listen to me. I'm not new to having a relationship during a show—"

"You're new to this though," I cut in. "Us. Me. Not a man."

"Uh, we both are? Unless there's something I am unaware of with you, Miss Mystery over here."

I rolled my eyes half-playfully, half-seriously. She always knew how to brighten the mood. My mood.

"But seriously, Sara," she began again, looking at me with emphasis. "We'll figure this out. It's different, yes. We can't attend events together or even really be seen together in public as more than friends. It's going to be difficult, yeah, especially if you keep looking at me with those eyes." Jessie smiled with a sparkle in her eye that soothed my anxiety for a moment.

I reached for her hands across the table. We looked into each other's eyes, our grip tightening and our thumbs softly grazing the other's wrists.

"Thank you," I said softly.

It was silent for what felt like several minutes when in reality it hadn't even been one. Finally, I took a deep breath and spoke again.

"Jessie, I, I want to—"

No, Sara, ew. Stop being so nervous.

I tried again. "Jessie, will you be my girlfriend?"

Her eyes widened in surprise. "Oh, Sara, we..."

"No, now you listen, alright? I know we've kissed, and things have happened. I want to do this right. Neither of us is new to a serious relationship and I don't want this to be any different." Thankfully, Jessie was smiling. She knew I was right. Her eyes looked so happy, and she had tightened the hold on my hands.

"Well, aside from it being public, anyway," I said quietly, sneaking in a laugh that I couldn't hold back.

She laughed too, and then broke half our hold so she could stand up. She pulled me out of my seat with the other hand and pulled me into a kiss.

But I was still waiting on an answer.

"Well?" I said softly, breaking away from her lips.

"Hm?" Jessie hummed as if I interrupted her mid-daydream.

"Jess!"

"Oh! I think we-"

My stomach immediately dropped. "Uh-oh."

Jessie pulled out of our hug, taking my hands so she could look at me.

"No, Sara it's not bad."

She squeezed my hands and looked at me so honestly that I forgave the scare in an instant.

"You know I care a lot about you. But I think we need... or I need, rather, a little more time for things to settle down."

My heart sank. What the hell?

Jessie knew. She saw straight through me.

Her hand tilted my head up. "I'm not saying "no" to your question, or to us," she said, pressing her nose against mine. "I'm just saying, "not yet."

Wow. Much better.

"Cooool," I said much too weirdly, exhaling a nervous, nerdy little laugh.

"Sara, can we..." Jessie paused, sighing, frustrated.

"Hm?" I asked. I wanted to peer into her, see everything, ask everything. But I couldn't.

She looked nervous. "I... I don't want things to drastically change from what they have been," she said.

I watched her eyes slowly look towards the ground and it seemed as if worry had tried to take over her thoughts.

"Jess, are you okay?" I asked gently, putting aside all of my feelings now that she was upset, too. "I didn't mean to spring this on you. I know there's a lot happening lately."

"Oh, gosh, yeah. I was worried I had let you down."

She looked up at me, her face a mixture of sureness and question.

"I like the path we're on. I want us to keep spending time together. Sara, please?"

"Of course," I replied.

Jessie grabbed my hands and took a step back. A smile softly radiated through her entire face as she looked straight into my eyes.

This moment was definitely not quite how I had planned it, but her reassurance in us was enough to satisfy my worried state of mind.

The rest of the day happened like any other day of rehearsal. Even through the stress of the job, I was still a little geeked that we got our own desks where the audience would normally sit, giving us us a view from the crowd to help see where changes needed to be made. It sure as hell made our jobs a lot easier, our own little office spaces inside a building that was beginning to feel like home, with people who felt even more so. These days left both Jessie and myself so exhausted that we'd both agree to not hang out afterwards. As much as it sucked,was understood how important rest was.

The days felt so routine. Get up, go to rehearsal, come home, eat, check phone, set alarm, sleep, repeat. But I knew it probably wouldn't last long— leave it to Jessie to switch things up in my life.

The sound of my phone ringing cut through the dark and startled me from a deep sleep. I looked over at the electronic clock sitting on my nightstand. Its red letters read 2 AM.

Why the hell was someone calling me? Who the hell? And I thought I'd put my phone on silent?

Groggily, I picked it up and saw that it was actually Jessie. I answered quickly.

"Jess? It's 2 in the morning, are you okay? Is something wrong?"

"Hi, no, no, I just can't sleep and I don't know why I didn't even think about you being asleep? So I'll call you tomorrow, sorry."

"Wait, no, babe, it's fine. That's not what I meant. Why can't you sleep?"

"I don't know."

"Are you upset?"

"No. I'm just not tired. But seriously, you should sleep, I just called to talk about nothing."

She giggled a little at the end of the sentence, which made me smile. "I don't want to sleep. I wanna talk to you," I replied.

"Okay. Actually..."

She FaceTimed me. I turned my lamp on and peeked out from under my comforter. "Hi."

"Hiiii." She laughed again. The good thing about a video chat was that I could watch her eyes crinkle and her smile spread to her entire face and see her in dead silence with no makeup on at a small hour of the morning. It filled me with a warm, tingly feeling.

"You're weird," I said. "But I like when you're giggly like this."

Neither one of us had anything to talk about, so eventually we just fell into a peaceful silence. It was enough having her on the other line, looking at me, knowing she was smiling and breathing and mine. Knowing her was enough, all I wanted. I was so lucky to know her.

A few minutes later, we said the same thing in unison, breaking the silence. "I miss you."

My heart fluttered. "Come over," I said.

"What?"

"Come over."

"It's two AM," Jessie replied.

"I'm aware. You're the one who called me and made me miss you. I can come there if you want."

"Nah, you're already in bed. I'll be there in a few."

Her voice was quiet and soft.

Twenty minutes later, she knocked on my door softly. Padding into the living room, I yawned and felt a calm excitement rush through me like it did every time I saw her.

I closed the door behind her and pulled her into a hug. "Hi."

"Hi." She smelled like her favorite Bath-And-Body-Works shower gel, a vanilla-cinnamony scent with some kind of festive name that made for a festive feeling. I inhaled it in and kissed the side of her neck.

She smiled and kissed my cheek. The next time she tried, I pulled away before she could, teasing her. She smacked my arm playfully and pulled me closer.

Her lips tasted like the Carmex she swore she had to use every night or else her lips would "get too dry and fall off" because winter made her skin dry out and "flake, and not as prettily as snow." She didn't like the slight taste of it, but I did, and it was even more pleasant on her. The cooling sensation rubbed off on my lips and made them tingle. I kissed her harder.

Jessie smiled and kissed me back with an equal amount of intensity. Her hands cradling my head, she moaned a little and we stumbled back into my room, falling onto the bed.

"Take your shoes off," I said between kisses, "because you kick sometimes at night and I am not about to have my leg broken by a shoe if you fall asleep."

"Oh my God, of all things you could say."

She kicked them off and onto the floor in approximately two seconds and we continued with everything until we had to pull away to breathe.

The lamp was still on in my room, which didn't exactly fit the mood as well as I wanted, or our tired eyes. I turned it off and back to her, reaching out.

"Jess-"

"I love you so much," she said suddenly.

She crawled into my lap, running her thumb along my lips. "Do I tell you that enough?"

"I think so," I replied. "What about me?"

"I think so. But I could stand more."

"Agreed."

We laid our heads on each other's shoulders and just sat for a while. At some point, I noticed her humming softly, her voice light and soothing. The song was "Can't Help Falling In Love."

Tangled up, we eventually fell asleep, but not really caring whether we did or not. I would choose her over sleep any day.

There weren't many more of those middle-of-the-night video chats— our sleepovers started repeating after that. It became easier for one of us to stay at the other's after rehearsals, knowing we'd be traveling together the next day. With previews creeping up on us, we took it as an opportunity to "hang out" before we were swamped with shows. In a way, this helped keep each other sane... although it was sort of driving us both insane, having to always catch time with the other. Jessie, always the calmer one, assured me that once previews were through and shows were regular, we would get into a pattern and better plan our time together, and I knew she was right, although it left me a little empty inside.

But it was whatever, right? We were together, we still saw each other even in a sort of hiding, and had the best jobs in the world that allowed us to spend time with each other even if only we knew that it was as a couple. I couldn't really ask for much more— things were finally starting to smooth out and look up for us, and I would take all I could get of it for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> originally published Oct 5th on Wattpad


	18. Too Tired This Time

My shitty day began with a therapy appointment. It was 10 o'clock on a sunny Saturday and I felt like an absolute trainwreck.

The therapy itself wasn't bad. I had a good therapist who understood and tried to get through to me. But it just wasn't happening today. The session was less healing and more crying on my end.

Even with my relationship with Jess going well, I still had my off days. Our sleepovers continued but we also made sure there were days apart during the week to avoid suffocating one another. I was mostly relieved Jess didn't have to be around me because I was mostly afraid of hurting her... on the contrary, because we were friends long before we were anything more, Jessie has already seen some of my low days. She was one of the few who could help me through them.

After touching up my makeup in the bathroom mirror to try and hide everything, I headed outside to walk around for a while. Part of me wanted to go home and bury myself in my sheets, but the other half was restless. So I trudged through the streets in search of nothing and blended in as just another insignificant face in a city of millions.

I was so used to our rehearsal schedule that having time off left me a bit lost. I kind of wished I'd had someplace to go, something to do. I wished I'd had the energy to find someplace to go or something to do. And it wasn't the energy you could gain back from sleep- I'd gone to bed really early the previous night. It was the kind of exhaustion that rooted itself in your head to manifest and left the physical effects lingering, as well, until it was all-encompassing and debilitating.

As I walked, I saw more and more people around me. That was one thing I didn't always like about New York- there were so many fucking people. I was getting closer to Times Square, and I didn't even want to be there, but I hadn't been paying much attention.

It felt like everything was happening around me. I wasn't really seeing or hearing or feeling, just going through the motions. There was a gray filter over everything and I was stuck in my own little bubble.

Sometimes that felt good.

I stepped onto a sidewalk in Manhattan and heard a shout. "Sara!"

I turned to see Jessie walking up. "Hey!"

"Oh, hey," I said, trying to smile and snap out of my bullshit while this beautiful human stood in front of me.

"What have you been doing?" she asked, slipping her hand into mine as we walked.

"I had therapy."

"Ohhh, that's right. How'd it go?"

"Fine." I already knew before answering that this short reply wouldn't go over Jessie's head.

"Cool. How are you?"

Oh. 

I guess it did...? I was a little set back by our short conversation, I enjoyed her company so I tried not to worry about it. I was mentally exhausted.

"Fine. You?" I replied.

"Tired but better now."

We decided to walk to her apartment. It helped that it was warm and comforting inside.

"Are you hungry?" Jessie asked after we'd gotten settled.

I shook my head. "Nope, I'm good."

She sat down beside me on the couch and kissed my cheek, pulling a blanket up over us.

"I missed you."

A smile forced its way through. "We just saw each other two days ago. But I missed you too."

"Are you okay?" she asked, grabbing my hand. "Why so quiet?"

"I'm not quiet."

"Yeah, you are. Are you mad at me?"

"No," I replied, squeezing her hand. "I'm not okay, but I will be."

"Sara.." Jess looked at me

"Jessie.." I replied back

Jessie rolled her eyes and pressed on in the gentle yet knowing way she had mastered. "I know you."

"I'm just in a mood, I guess. It's not a big deal."

Jessie scoffed and propped her arm up on her elbow. "Yes, it is. Like how?"

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, giving up on trying to hide everything. It was stupid, anyway. She could read me like a book.

"It's just been a hard week."

"With work?"

"Not just work."

"Ohhh. Okay. Go on."

I tried to formulate words, but there was nothing to say. It was always the same cycle. I almost would've given anything for a change, even a bad one.

"It's hard to explain. I've told you before. It's just the same shit."

"Yeah." She reached over and put her arm around me. "Well. It'll be okay, you know?"

I nodded as to say yes, even though I didn't feel that way.

Jessie nudged me. "Hey. It will."

Tears stung my eyes. Of all the things we've done and time we've spent together, I hadn't ever cried in front of her. She made me feel so comfortable. I fiddled with my hoodie strings, trying to breathe and get myself together.

"Hun. You wanna talk about it?" Jessie asked, trying to get me to look at her.

"No," I replied, taking a deep breath. This was mine to figure out. I couldn't burden her with it. Sometimes I just felt so disconnected from the rest of the world.

"What can I do?"

"You don't need to do anything, you do more than enough," I replied. "But thank you."

Jessie pulled me into a hug. "I love you."

I squeezed her hand as a response and nestled my head into her neck. We stayed in our half hug for a few minutes until Jessie broke the silence. She moved away from me slightly so we could face one another a then reached for my hands.

"I think you're wrong though. If we're going to do this relationship thing..we need to be open with one another... I - I'm not saying you need to vent to me at this very moment or that I can magically fix you... but Sara, you don't need to hide your feelings around me. I'm here for you. Always."

I was at a loss for words. Initially, I was thrown off by the first phrase that left her mouth but by the end of her statement tears had swelled in my eyes. As this happened Jessie squeezed my hands. What did I do to deserve this woman? I broke the hold of our hands as leaned my body towards her for physical support. This day was exhausting.

"Thank you, hun. I know I can confide in you. I think I'm..."

I sat back so my words wouldn't be muffled into her body.

I faced her and reached for her hands again.

"I think maybe work is catching up with me. I feel like there are so many projects going on at once, and... I know the show will be in previews soon, things will be mellowing out, it's just hard to picture that peace right now."

"Yeah," Jessie said softly, "It can be a lot."

Jessie reached for a couple blankets and we cozied up. My head rested on her shoulder with my arms wrapped around her. She turned the tv on but I dozed off before I could see what she had chosen to watch.

The next thing I knew I was waking up to my phone ringing. The room was dark meaning the sun had set and my stomach felt completely empty because I had barely eaten anything. I slowly looked over at Jessie who had also fallen asleep. Good to know one of us could sleep through a phone ringing.

My phone buzzed, this time meaning it was a text. I picked it up, sighing in a mix of annoyance and exhaustion. People were too much to deal with right now. The name that appeared made my breath hitch in my throat. 

Javi.

"Hey, I'm nearby, wanna grab dinner?" 

Shit. What the hell?

"Is everything okay? Who is that?" Jessie asked, seeing the disturbed look on my face. 

The shock died down and I nodded, lowering my phone and looking back at Jessie. 

"Uh, yeah, it's just-"

"Oh."

I followed Jessie's eyes down to the screen. Damn it, Sara. 

I could've clicked my phone off. But there was nothing to hide, either. I didn't want him back. It was just surprising. Especially with the woman I want to be my girlfriend taking it in, too.

"Yeah," I replied, laughing a little. "He's in town, I guess." 

"Aren't you gonna reply?" Jessie asked as I put my phone back down. 

I shook my head. "It's fine, I'm with you right now."

Even though Jessie smiled, I immediately felt a change in the air between us.  
A moment of awkward silence followed. I didn't want to just ignore it, but was it appropriate to answer it with my girlfriend right beside me? Not in any world i knew. But as much as I hated to admit it, my stomach dropped at the text. Javier and I hadn't spoken in weeks, and now that he had reached out... I shook it off and turned back to Jessie. "I'm not gonna answer it."

"Why not?" she asked innocently. She was so kind and understanding sometimes. It was hard to explain.

"Because it's too hard," I replied, sighing heavily.

Jessie tilted her head in a mix between question and genuine interest. She looked upset for just a split second, I thought, but then again, I was also anxious. Everything piled up and I almost broke into tears. How could I deal with this without it seeming like I didn't care about her like I did?

"Jess, I'm sorry, I hate that he texted, but it still hurts that we broke up and I don't want him back, I love you, I just."

Jessie grabbed my hand. "Sara."

"What?"

"You need to breathe."

I took a shaky breath, hiding my face in my hands.

"You can reply if you want,' Jessie insisted softly. "No sense in letting in linger in your thoughts. I can't exactly say it's the most comfortable thing in the world for me, but I trust you. And I know how close you guys still are. I can't exactly stop you. And I don't want to keep you from anything."

I let out a soft laugh that was less of a real laugh and more an expression of frustration.

"Jess, you're so... I don't even know if I want to meet up with him. I mean, part of me does because we're best friends but."

"But.. you're worried about bringing up the past?"

Jessie finished my sentence for me in a knowing tone.

She wasn't wrong. 

"Leaving California and starting a new chapter in my life was supposed to mean leaving the old behind," I sighed. "I didn't plan to see him again, at least not here. Or even this soon."

"You can't plan for these things."

"Yeah, I know."

She swung our arms a little absentmindedly, hands intertwined. "Look, I guess unfortunately we have to see these people we were close to again. I mean, hey... on the bright side, he can't be coming to tell you that he's pregnant with your child."

Jessie smiled, and I let out a laugh.

"True. I guess it could be better now than unexpectedly in the future."

Instead of him just showing up like he had before. That was way more painful than this. That was the worst.

"Exactly," Jessie replied.

I fiddled with the holes in my jeans for a moment. Did I really want to go? It hurt, I was tired, I was sad...

"Would it be that bad to not go?" I asked, looking desperately up at her.

She shook her head.

"No, of course not. If you want to, then do it. But if you feel like you need more time, it's not like he won't ever be back."

That did it. I nodded, the little bit of convincing I'd needed given to me. "I really don't feel like doing anything. Small talk and shit is just... way too much. Everything is way too much, I just wanna stay here with you and sit."

Jessie kissed my forehead. "I get it."

As she shifted, I felt something jab into my side. My phone. I should probably reply to him.

What was I to say? Straight-up "no"?

So I told him the truth like I had all this time. I really had nothing to lose, and we both deserved it.

"Hey, I'm not feeling great tonight so maybe we should take a rain check? But thanks for the invite. We should meet up soon

**Author's Note:**

> another reminder that I am aware they are not characters. this fic is purely for fun.


End file.
